The Epically Awesome Fic
by strictly-fey-tailed-doc
Summary: Join CJ and the Owl-Who-Sounds-Like-Stephen-Fry as they journey from fandom to fandom, causing chaos and drinking cups of tea. Silly X-over with every fandom, character and pairing around - and then some! Utter nonsense, but do R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**For info on how this insantinity began and why it goes on, do check out our profile page - also don't discount us purely from reading the start, it really does get better. Although due to the silly nature of how this is written, the gramma aint about to improve XP  
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**Disclaimer for fic, start to finish: We own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked, the Owl and the Trees.**

**Before we start, a note from each of our authors:**

**Twintailed: Don't worry about how mad it is now. It gets worse! (But makes a bit more sense later on... tiny bit.) Brace yourselves...**

**Doc-Kiyoko: Every fan has thought about a crossover like this, we've just done it... and it's a mess - ENJOY!! *goes off being crazy***

**Fey-of-forest: Watch out for flying teacups, crazy men and just general randomness. We accept no claims for loss of the readers sanity, nor do we need those men in white coats, hope you enjoy and reviews will only encourage us XP**

**Strictly-untalkative: Has nothing decent to say for herself and has written a ryme instead;**

**_Hi there, good to see you – Welcome to our show. Pull up a chair and stay a while – it's mad, but please don't go!

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In a forest there was a tree.

It was an altogether unremarkable tree, apart from the fact that the leaves were bright pink and the bark was covered in yellow. The only word it said was 'moo', though nobody within the forest ever seemed to comment on how odd it was that the tree said 'moo' at all. One day; it rained, and the tree lost half its pink leaves, and it was very worried about losing the rest. It was then that a young man called Ked appeared, with a tube of superglue and glued the leaves to his head before running off.

"Damn." Thought the tree. "I'm pro recycling and all, but moo- just moo." He then decided that he would have to chase the man so asked his friend, a tree called Bob (who said 'baa') to help him. Trees, as they have roots, can't exactly run after their leaf-stealers and so Bob and Bill enlisted the help of the shrubbery of the knights who say 'Ni'. However, this was at 3am and though the shrubs had originally said yes, they then said bugger off and get the owl who happened to speak perfect English to help instead.

"Find this crazy chap?" the owl said, in the voice of Stephen Fry. "Well, I'll have a go old chap. But I do warn you my old mucker, last time I tried to talk to a human it threw a teacup at me." The owl ruffled its feathers in agitation. "However, if you bring me a chocolate cake in exchange for my services, I think it will all turn out quite smoothly." He said pleasantly, holding out a wing to shake on the deal. The tree, whose branches were bare, shook the owl's wing before going away to find a chocolate cake, deciding to go to the local Mark's and Spencer's to get one - for the owl would never know. Then he remembered as he got to the doors of M&S that he was a tree, meaning he had no money and would probably break the building. "Damn." He thought again, and went to find an oven to bake on. Fortunately he found one. Unfortunately he caught fire and burned to the ground. "Damn." He thought again.

Meanwhile, the owl had located the man of questionable sanity.

"Why hello there old spice!" the owl said politely and the man threw a teacup at him.

"This is a private tea party and you're not invited." He scowled, deciding to throw the saucer at the owl too for good measure. "I need the leaves for my tea! It's magical!"

"Magical tea? Well old chap, that'll be the last cup of tea you have considering you broke your cup and there are no more magic trees. No, nothing short of a young warlock named Merlin will get you another cup of that particular brew."

"Bugger." Said the man. "How shall I find him?"

"Follow the signs you pompous nit wit." Said the owl, who pointed to the missing sign from the M1 motorway which had been made to say Merlin.

"En Diamo." Shouted the man, grabbing a broom and pretending to ride it like a horse. "Are you coming Patsy?" he asked the owl, who just looked at him incredulously.

"I'm not following an idiot who is pretending a broom is a horse." The owl said. "First you have to get a proper mode of transport from that field over there." Said the owl, pointing to...well, a field. The field was empty apart from the fact it was filled with grass. What I mean to say is...

"There's no other form of transport dammit!" Ked the Crazy said,

"What about that?" the owl said, pointing to a fridge with a clock soldered to the front.

"What am I gonna do with a time machine? That's the most useless piece of transport ever." His Crazyness said,

"Don't be such an idiot." Said the owl, who pushed the man into it, the fridge promptly appeared next to a T-Rex having tea. "Whoops." Said the owl. "Wrong setting." He fiddled with some of the dials whilst suspense filled music filled the air. The owl quickly turned it off, muttering "This is not a Spielberg film thank you very much!"

"Hmm..." the crazy man said. "Raptors can't open doors can they?"

"Don't be stupid. They don't have opposable thumbs!" said the owl.

"Neither do you." Said the man

"I'm The-Owl-Who-Sounds-Like-Stephen-Fry." Said the owl, as if that explained everything.

"Cool." Said the man - apparently it did.

Messing with the dial, the man and owl quickly arrived in the middle of a forest filled with pink leaved trees and the man who liked his magical tree punched the air with joy.

"Ow!" yelped the owl who quickly flew out of the way. It was at that moment as the man started picking leaves from the trees that said 'moo' they heard voices.

"..Bumbling idiot!"

"But sire, it was a talking owl!"

"Of course it's not Merlin, that's plain stupid." The first voice came again. "Now pass me my teacup. We're going to have a break."

Just as Merlin was about to get a teacup, he stood up and dropped it on the floor.

"What are you doing?!" the pompous prince demanded. Merlin simply pointed to the crazy man who was hanging upside down from the tree whilst picking leaves.

"Boo!" The prince jumped and moved behind his servant, as if to use him as a human shield.

"What the heck? What sort of magical creature are you?"

"Enchanted to meet you." The man chirped, holding out an upside down hand to Merlin, who shook it tentatively, but then Arthur snatched his servant away.

"Don't touch him Merlin." The blonde ordered. "Didn't you hear him say he was enchanted?"

"He doesn't look dangerous." Merlin said, going back towards the man. "He's just hanging upside down from a tree-"

" Exactly." Before they could say anything more, the owl reappeared and landed on Arthur's head.

"Good morning!" it said, even though it was afternoon. Arthur jumped once more.

"Argh! Get it off me!"

"But..."

"It's a talking owl, help me!"

"You said talking owls were just plain stupid."

"Hmph!" the owl said, folding its wings. "I'll have you know I'm one of the smartest minds in the kingdom - I could have played the Doctor you know!" the owl said proudly, puffing out its chest.

"Who the hell is this Doctor?!" Arthur shouted, flapping his hands up and down to try and get the owl off his head.

"Actually, I came to see Merlin." The owl said. "We have a favour to ask." Arthur looked shocked that they wanted to talk to his servant over him.

"Merlin?" the Prince asked sceptically. "What on Earth do you want with my idiotic servant?"

"I think you mean the greatest warlock that ever lived." The owl-who-had-the-voice-of-Stephen-Fry corrected. "We need a tea tree fixing."

"WHAT?!" Arthur yelled. "Merlin??? Magic???"

"Umm..." Merlin said, blinking. "THE OWL! IT LIES! It's a monster called a Kalfrigg Wiggle, it lies..." Merlin whined and the owl tutted.

"How rude." It said and his craziness nodded. "In that case, we'll have to take our business elsewhere." The owl said, fixing them both with a glare. "And we'll tell everyone you're COWARDS!!!"

"What?!" Arthur shouted, again. "Who'll believe an...an owl and a random man?" the owl ignored him.

"We best ask Master Ansem." He said sullenly, flying onto Merlin's head. "Since you won't help."

"We never said that!" Merlin objected. "Now, where is this tea tree that needs fixing?"

"it's um... Somewhere." Said the man rather unhelpfully.

"So we're looking for a tree... in a forest?"

"Yes we are!" he said cheerfully. "The pink one." They all stared at him, shaking their heads despondently

"I'll ask some of the other trees." The owl said at length. "It'll be more stimulating conversation than I'm getting with you cretins." Arthur blinked, before realising the owl had already flown off so he couldn't counter.

"That bloody owl." He muttered. He looked around for Merlin, but only found his crazyness- Merlin had gone with the owl. "Don't touch me." He said, as his craziness eyed his sword.

Meanwhile, Merlin and the owl were stood talking to the trees. What the owl and the man had failed to mention was that the tree they were looking for was actually a few centuries in the future. It didn't really matter though now that they had Merlin. All they had to do now was find the time machine which was parked well, erm... Somewhere.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, to anybody who is reading this or has been waiting since, oh, when it was put up: twintailed here! I've been on a mission to type this up for all the author's benefit and to share our realm of madness that we created. This here is the second part, but several more parts are due to follow soon. And by soon, one every few days, I'd imagine. Or less. Whichever I fancy doing, depending on how fast I get this all typed up. I'm only about a quarter through and I'm at 7K already... haha...**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

**Anyway: enjoy!**

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"Have you seen a time machine?" asked the owl.

"No," said Merlin.

"Well, where's it gone?" demanded his craziness, who had just run over to where they were stood.

"I'm back," panted Arthur, who had run over after his craziness. "I'm back, don't worry, the prince has returned. I just got the servants to dispose of this metal box with a broken compass on top. I used your staff if that's alright."

"You did what?" the owl asked incredulously, whilst Ked let out a high pitched squeak.

"Noooo! Not my TARDIS!" he said. "Not my poor Dorothy!"

The owl looked at him. "You named a TARDIS Dorothy," it said slowly and his craziness shrugged, leaving the owl to just blink at him.

"Wait," it said. "That was a TARDIS?"

"What's a TARDIS?" asked Merlin and Arthur in unison, but the owl and Ked ignored them.

"Yes," said Ked to the owl. "The chameleon circuit got a kick the other day and it turned into a fridge and the insides shrank."

"Uh huh…" said the owl doubtfully.

"_WHAT'S A TARIDS?_" shouted Arthur, grabbing hold of Ked and shaking him.

"A TARDIS?" the crazy man repeated, not in the least bothered by the fact that Arthur was shaking his shoulders.

"Yes, a TARDIS," the blonde prince said through his teeth, beginning to lose his patience.

"It's a…" the owl-who-sounded-like-Stephen-Fry began, only to be interrupted by the sudden appearance of a wooden blue box.

"Hello there!" said a man who introduced himself as John Smith. "Um… could you tell us what century this is."

"Um," said the owl, clueless. "Dunno. We just got here before _he_," the owl gave his craziness a glowering look, "destroyed _our _TARDIS."

"Oh. Well that's a shame," said the Doctor in his Davie Mac type fashion. "But are we sure this isn't the 20th century?"

"Yes," agreed the owl. "But I'd say the date is slightly beside the point in my educated opinion," the owl finished haughtily. It added, "Is that a TARDIS?"

The Doctor blinked, confused. "Why yes, it is," he said slowly.

"Top stuff," said the owl, turning to his craziness. "Come on, Ked, it's time to go home." It turned to the insane man, but paused when it saw his expression. Ked looked furious.

"You," he said, looking towards the Doctor. "It's all your fault!"

The Doctor looked nonplussed. "I'm sorry," he started, "but I have no idea who you are…"

His craziness pointed an accusing finger at him. "When I was young," he started, "I stole your TARDIS-" ("You did what?" said the Doctor) "-and it evicted me and marooned me on a rock in the middle of the ocean!"

"No wonder he's mad," said Merlin, barely following, but Arthur was completely lost. The owl nodded in response.

"So how'd you get… er… un-marooned?"

"Turtles and ropes."

"Turtles?" Arthur asked, drawing his sword ready to fight. "What manner of foul beastie be they?"

"Tiny wet giant dragons that breathe seaweed and live inside rocks!" declared Ked.

Everyone blinked slowly.

"Okaaay…" came the chorused reply, and the owl shook its head in disdain.

Well, except one person. "DRAGONS!" shouted Arthur, finally able to understand something, "I must slay these tiny wet rock dragons!"

The Doctor frowned. "I don't approve of dragon slaying," he said.

"One problem," added the owl. "That was the middle of the ocean."

Everyone went silent. "He has a point," said Merlin. Arthur grumbled.

"Shut up, Merlin." Grumbling, he sat down on the rock and the owl patted(?) him reassuringly on the shoulder.

"So anyway," the Doctor diverted, "You are…?" he looked at Ked.

"I am… Spartacus!" Everyone regarded him sceptically with one eyebrow raised.

"Nah, you're not dressed right," the owl pointed out. They were silent for a few moments with the only sound being that of wandering minstrels playing lyres and lutes. '… guy love between us…' were the lyrics they heard. The group looked at Merlin and Arthur, who were in turn looking at each other.

"Less 'guy love' and more 'gay love'," the owl muttered and the Doctor tutted. Everyone turned to look at Ked again.

"Well?" Merlin said, and the crazy man took a deep breath.

"I am…" he began, "Captain Jack the Doctor Hugh Spartacus Laurie Lemon Richard Face _Barrowman! _Anderson Kedlington TD 1900 the thirteenth."

Silence… silence… then the owl said, "Isn't that hard to put on an envelope?"

"So is yours," he said. "And that's why I shortened it," he added, matter-of-factly.

The Doctor spoke over them. "How did you end up with my name _and _Jack's name in yours?"

Ked shrugged. "I was clicking 'I feel lucky' on google."

"Is that a dragon?" Arthur asked, perking up. When the owl shook its head he went back to his slump.

"No, that's a bush," the crazy man stated.

"So, can I shorten your name to Ked?" The Doctor asked.

"No. You must address me by my full name…"

"What is it with you long named people and nicknames?" The Doctor sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Don't discriminate!" The owl-who-sounded-like-Stephen-Fry tutted.

Ked continued, thoughtful. "Or you can call me… CJ."

"CJ?" The group chorused.

"You aren't really Jack, are you?" The Doctor quizzed, a bit worried.

"Dunno."

"Can you never die?"

Arthur, who had been sulking, perked up. "Let's find out!"

"Let's not," said CJ or Ked or whatever his name was, but Arthur had already picked up his sword and was now swinging it around like a crazed cheerleader at baton tryouts.

"Here I come!" the blonde shouted, before tripping over a discarded tea tray.

"I'm really not _that _Captain Jack…" CJ said slowly. "Probably not the other one either actually."

The owl poked Arthur (who could have been impaled by his own sword, but fortunately it was lying next to him). "I think he's dead."

"That'll be good to write on the death certificate," said the Doctor. "Death by tea tray." He turned to CJ. "There are enough Jack's to go around, so you should have been more unique."

"It's CJ!" he shouted, falling over the possible dead Arthur and almost flattening the owl, whom squawked in protest, and went to sit on Merlin's head again.

"Oh great!" Merlin sighed. "You can't have died by tea tray after everything we've faced."

"What?"

"Dragons, dwarves, trolls, and now… the mighty Arthur slain by a tea tray."

"He's not dead," The Doctor pointed out. "Trust me, I'm a Doctor."

"Liar," CJ pouted, and the owl raised its owl-eyebrow-equivalent, and the Doctor went a little red.

"Quiet, you," he said. "My Time Lord intellect is good enough for a basic medical diagnosis."

"Well my Time Lady intellect says that you sir, are a boob," CJ declared, and once again everyone just stared.

The Doctor rolled his eyes and pulled out a stethoscope. "If you don't believe me, just give his chest a listen." Merlin looked at him and the stethoscope doubtfully. "Oh come on, you use magic," said the Doctor. "This is science, and besides—"

"Okay, I'll do it," said Merlin. The Doctor nodded, before rolling Arthur on the ground so he was facing upright.

Merlin held the stethoscope against Arthur's forehead before exclaiming, "I can hear his thoughts!"

The owl shook its head. "No you can't, you dunderhead, it doesn't do that."

"Oh," said Merlin, "Well I suppose that makes sense, it's not as thought he _thinks _much anyway." Ked giggled and the Doctor rolled his eyes.

"No, do this," said the Doctor, grabbing hold of Merlin's hand and almost throwing it onto Arthur's chest, stethoscope and all. Merlin pulled a face.

"There's a steady thump," he said.

The Doctor nodded. "That means he's alive, see?"

"Not for long!" shouted Ked, raging forward with Arthur's sword, knocking the Doctor and Merlin aside and impaling Arthur right through the chest, and before anyone could move or protest or exclaim, he disappeared in a _poof! _of light.

"WTF!" said the Doctor. "You almost sliced my hand off! I just grew it back a while ago."

The owl was astonished. "Where did that come from sir, most uncalled for."

"Right," said Merlin, raising his staff. _Zap…!_

"… Aw man," said CJ, who appeared in a cage. "It was just a bit of fun."

"We came here to find a bloody tree!" the owl exclaimed desperately, and the Doctor just started stuttering.

"You've just ruined history!" he shouted at Ked. "You killed Arthur, King of the Britons!"

"Hardly," said his craziness. "I just sent the hobbit to Isengard, or possibly Castle Oblivion, I'm not sure," he pondered, before looking up. "Have you seen my jar of dirt?"

"He's mad," said the owl. "Completely mad."

"If you like I can send you all to where the hobbit is," said CJ, holding up the sword again and clawing against his confinements.

"Nooo thank you," said the Doctor, relieving CJ of the sword and giving it to Merlin. "If you kill Merlin as well as Arthur then we really have no chance of Britain every existing!"

CJ pouted. Merlin asked, "So, what…" he stumbled. He suddenly had a lost sense of purpose without the darn prince to save/look after.

"He has to be somewhere," said the owl.

"Sure," said the Doctor. "Or he'll be in more trouble."


	3. Chapter 3

**twintailed here again, with the next part of the story. It's amazing how long this has gotten, as I'm nowhere near finished, and I have over 11K now, haha. Anyway, this part, as promised.**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

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**"Hm," mumbled Arthur. "How odd," he said as he stared across fields and mountains. "What's going on here?" he said to himself once more, before hearing the clunk and chunk of armour, and over the hill came a tall man with long blonde hair and a very short one with a brown beard.

The blonde one bounded up the hill without paying much notice of Arthur and said urgently, "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard."

"Are there dragons in Isengard?" Arthur asked, and the men looked at him oddly.

"No, laddie," said the shorter of the two. "Got a wizard though."

Arthur blinked. "A wizard?" he demanded, and the tall one with the pointy ears nodded.

"Yes, an overpowered evil one," he said, and Arthur nodded slowly.

"Okay," Arthur said, readying himself. "Charge!" he screamed, running down the hill.

"Hey, elf," the dwarf asked.

"Yes?" replied Legolas.

"Does that lad know he has no sword?"

Legolas shook his head, before adding dubiously, "Does he know he's going the wrong way?"

Arthur was almost to eh bottom of the hill when in a moment of intelligence and clarity he realised his predicament (being swordless and directionless and all), so he ran back up the hill again. "Hey," he said to Gimli. "Can I have that axe?"

"No, laddie!" he shouted, hitting him in the side. "We told you, we have to save the hobbits!"

Arthur deliberated. "If I help you with these hobbits, can I have the axe the axe then?" Clearly, he was oblivious to having just 'died'.

. . . .

"Why was everyone just silent for five minutes?" said the owl.

"I dunno," said the Doctor, shrugging.

"Anyway," said Merlin, "we have to find a way to get Arthur back."

A small clatter turned everyone's head, the Doctor was sitting next to where Arthur had disappeared wearing his 3D glasses. "Hmm," he said. "I think I know where he might have gone."

"Where?" the owl asked.

"Tell you later," the Doctor said before standing up again. "Now," he started in a big booming voice, "let us go on a journey of time and space, to the world…"

"Of the Mighty Boosh?" Ked asked, as the Doctor sighed.

"No," he said pointedly. "It's somewhere that, whilst he'll fit right in, he'll be obsessed with finding dragons."

"He's _always_ obsessed with slaying dragons," Merlin sighed, facepalming.

"Anyway!" The Doctor announced, walking over to his long forgotten TARDIS and pushing CJ inside, then Merlin, then not the owl, because it had landed on his shoulder.

"Oh my lord!" Merlin exclaimed. CJ tried to run straight over to the console, but the Doctor grabbed hold of him by the scruff of his neck. "It's bigger on the inside that it is on the outside!" Merlin exclaimed again, the Doctor mouth each word.

"Oh, you don't say," the owl said, rolling its eyes.

"Magic."

"No, that's you, Merlin."

"So where are we going?"

"To look for that king-to-be of yours," said the owl.

"Can I drive?" yelled CJ.

"No," said the Doctor. "Merlin, keep hold of him or god knows where we'll turn up."

"Nonsense!" his craziness said, before promptly picking up a tea bag and promptly knocking the young warlock out. "I can drive just as well as the next guy!" he said, before jumping onto the TARDIS console and breaking into a complicated tap dance, while singing about a jar of dirt.

"Oh bugger," said the owl.

"BRACE FOR IMPACT!" screamed the Doctor from the foetal position.

_CRASH!_

"What happened?" asked his craziness.

The Doctor got up and brushed himself down. "I'm not sure," he said, looking at the readouts from the console, "The idiot's broken one of the screens."

_Knock, knock, knock!_

There was someone at the door.

"I'll see who's at the door then," replied his craziness who promptly swung open the door. A plume of dust flew into the air. As it settled, they saw the figure of a woman who was holding a glowing instrument.

"Ah, hello there!" she remarked. "You seem to have accidently dimension jumped, but don't worry, us Time Lords love to help a fellow traveller in need."

"Hi," CJ said before the Doctor jumped up and looked out of the door. Recognising where he was, he checked the screen to see three figures running towards the TARDIS. The woman was promptly pushed aside as two men and a woman came running in, screaming 'Doctor!' at the top of their lungs. The doors then shut, locking the woman out.

"Oh my god!" Gwen said, looking around in wonder. Ianto tripped over yet another discarded tea tray and Jack spotted an unconscious Merlin.

"Does he…?" Jack asked, eyebrow raised suggestively.

Whilst Jack asked this, his craziness ran at full speed back to the console, messing with the controls again ("hmm… that's not quite right,"), keeping out of the watchful eye of the Doctor, who was busy gawping at the three people he had not expected to see in this place.

"What the?" The Doctor exclaimed, as Jack continued to hit on the unresponsive Merlin.

"Oi, he's taken," said the owl, and Jack shrugged before he decided to cling to the Doctor's arm instead, much to a pouting Ianto.

"Right, we'll explain later," hurried Gwen. "But right now we have to get out of—"

"CRASH LANDING!" CJ shouted, before the now crowded TARDIS well… crashed, and everyone fell in a heap on the floor.

Something knocked on the door loudly once again, and everyone jumped up from their varying positions on the floor, well, except for Jack who was trying to make the most of his newfound position lying on top of the Doctor.

"Get off him," Ianto grumbled, pulling the Captain away from the Time Lord, and the Doctor thanked the Welshman, his face turning scarlet.

"Where are we?" Gwen asked, "And where did that glowing lady go?"

"I kicked her out," said CJ simply, before running to open the door and shouting, "Good day to you, pumpkins!"

"Cut that waffle gay-boy," came an annoyed sounding voice, and a tall blonde man in a similar coat to the Doctor's walked into the TARDIS, followed by a dark haired woman.

"But he's the gay one!" CJ whined, pointing at Merlin.

The Blonde man scowled, and punched CJ in the face before growling, "Right, my name is DCI Gene Hunt, and what the hell is this box doing in my station?"

"Hmm… the name sounds familiar…" The Doctor murmured.

"Gwen Cooper, PC of Cardiff. We're here for an inspection."

"Nonsense Gwen!" Jack pointed out, just as Merlin (finally) opened his eyes.

"What the…?" he mumbled, before looking up at Gene Hunt. "Arthur?"

"Do I flaming look like him pretty boy?"

"Now, now," Alex started, putting a hand on Gene's chest to stop him from charging like a bull at Merlin again. "_Rashly. _PC Cooper?" she looked at Gwen.

"It's a good idea," Ianto mumbled. Jack nudged him.

"Yes, you are?" Gwen asked.

"DI Alex Drake," Alex replied. As they carried on talking, and were just about to introduce everyone there to stop the wild 'gay-boy' accusations flying, there was a sudden rush of steam into the console room, and as everyone began to cough, someone appeared through the mist.


	4. Chapter 4

**twintailed back again with more! I haven't typed up anymore since last time I posted, but for that I blame my birthday and Christmas and video games, but, eh, will finish off typing it up soon, possibly. I still have five parts to go, though, before we run out of stuff. Anyway, onto the fic.**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

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**"Oi, Doctor! There's no soap in the zero-G shower."

Everyone paused at the sight of Donna Noble, dripping wet and wearing nothing but a fluffy blue towel that said: _white star line, Titanic_. Donna just stared back, her eyes flicking from face to face, before settling on one face in particular. "Jackie boy!" the red-headed woman shouted, practically leaping onto the indestructible man.

Jack didn't move, quite happy to receive a hug from Donna. Ianto stared at them jealously before turning to Merlin.

"Could you not…" he asked, pointing to the Captain.

"If you want." The young warlock smiled before quietly mumbling a few words. No one noticed his eyes go amber, but they did see Jack fall to the floor, dead.

"Alright, who killed him?"

Donna's mouth fell open in a wide zero of shock, and fortunately for her was still stood upright, before it suddenly dawned on her that she was stood, in the company of a rather large number of people, with nothing but a towel.

"Donna," the Doctor muttered, the requested soap in hand.

"Oh. Thanks," she said, half sarcastic but mostly surprised and stunned, and then she trundled off back into the bathroom.

"There's a dead man on the floor!" Gene shouted at everyone's lack of concern.

"He's fine," everyone else in the room said in unison, including Alex (well, except Merlin).

And sure enough, Jack gasped back into life, startling the owl-who-sounded-like-Stephen-Fry, that had since settled on his chest. "My dear boy!" the bird exclaimed. "You gave me quite a fright!"

Jack looked blearily at the talking animal, still slightly death-shocked.

"You," he said, "have a gorgeously sexy voice."

The owl blinked, surprised as the ex-time agent reached up and kissed him on the beak. Ianto yelled indignantly.

"That does it!"he declared. "Let's see how you like it!" Without warning, Ianto grabbed Merlin and kissed him deeply on the mouth.

At this exact moment, CJ woke up with a start, jumping to his feet before looking around wildly.

"Are we having a kissing party?" he exclaimed, and promptly jumped on the Doctor, pinning him against the console.

Gwen, Alex and Gene, who weren't involved in the whole kissing lark, stared at them.

"I knew they were all ponces!"

"Shut it, you!" Gwen and Alex chorused in unison, whacking him playfully for they were happily watching the menfolk frolic, amused.

"It's only because you're jealous," said Alex to Gene tauntingly. "You feel left out."

"Not," denounced Gene. "I am quite happy with my current position, thank you very much."

"Jealous," Alex repeated.

"Very," added Gwen.

"I am not!" Gene yelled, enough to distract CJ's attention from attempting to kiss an unwilling Doctor, and set his beady eyes on Gene instead – with a huge grin on his face. Gene set his gaze very firmly on Alex. "Well, maybe you'd like a bit of kissing too, Bolly," he said, and Alex rolled her eyes.

"What are you saying Guv?" she asked coyly. "Do you want a kiss?"

"From meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" came a hyperactive interruption as a crazed blur tackle glomped the DCI.

At that moment, no one remembered that Arthur needed rescuing, but as the kissing fest continued, the Doctor hit a few levers. As the TARDIS rematerialised, the doors opened and the group stepped outside to find themselves in a forest. Ianto grabbed a tea tray and used it as a shield as a few arrows came their way.

"Oi, you guys, money or your life." Stood in front of them with drawn bows were a group of outlaws.

"Oi, pretty boy, aren't you supposed to be wearing tights?" Donna shouted back.

Apparently, Donna was now very much dressed, and using Jack as a shield (as was pretty much everyone else, save Ianto who was stood next to him, tea tray in hand, still frowning). Having successfully kissed Gene on the cheek, CJ ran round everyone else and stood in front of them.

"I'm Buzz Lightyear and I'm in charge of this detachment."

"Hand over your money," the outlaws repeated.

"The Queen doesn't carry money," CJ declared loudly, and everyone blinked.

"And how about you?" the head outlaw asked curiously to the others.

CJ turned an odd shade of purple. "How dare you question my royal authority!" he demanded. "Off with your head!"

"Ignore him, he's mad!" the Doctor said.

"Only as mad as you," CJ muttered.

"Now, now, guys…" Donna started.

"Tea anybody?" Ianto offered. The outlaws put away their bows and arrows and sat around in a circle. Playing mother, Ianto poured out the hot liquid into a number of cups as they introduced themselves and chatted. Jack eyed up a few of the outlaws, particularly their leader, and all were so caught up that they didn't hear the sound of horses. A man in black leather with matching black hair crept up behind them. The owl who had been perched on a branch fluttered down.

"Erm…"

"Ah, hello there, fancy a cuppa?" Gwen asked.

"You can't offer Gisburne a drink!" Robin said angrily.

"We just did I think you'll find."

Guy just shrugged, took the offered cup and joined in.

The group continued to sip their tea in relative peace, with Guy and Robin glaring daggers at each other, whilst Guy and Gene discussed the motives of different criminals, and Gwen and Alex swapped policing stories. CJ, however, found it impossible to stay still for that long and randomly shouted out, _'the sexual tension here is unbearable!'_, and everyone choked on their tea, except Jack who loudly agreed, glancing simultaneously at both the Doctor and Ianto. The Doctor spluttered indignantly at the crazy man's outburst.

"What makes you say that?" he asked incredulously, and CJ shrugged.

"I dunno, just wanted to say something. Besides, I'm obviously not the only one who thinks so, though I don't know what sexual tension actually means..."

Everyone paused again, staring at him.

"Oh, he's right!" Alan randomly shouted out. "-I can't take it anymore, Guy, I love you!"

Guy blinked.

"You what?" he said, standing up. Alan stood up too. "But you hate me, you all never talk to me because you all hate me!"

Alan shook his head furiously. "No, Guy, I'm a former traitor remember and I've loved you all this time! I could never talk to you because it was just too painful."

Guy had started to cry. "But Alan, I love you too!" The two man hugged, whilst the outlaws glared furiously. Suddenly bows were being pulled and swords drawn. Alan and Guy looked at each other in panic whilst the TARDIS crew ran back to the safety of the TARDIS. Guy and Alan stood frozen to the spot. This was it. This was the end.

"Oi, you two, come on!" Jack shouted. The newly professed couple shrugged and ran inside just as the arrows were shot.

"Mind the paint work!" Ianto moaned as the doors shut.

"Arrows… why is it always the arrows?" The Doctor complained. Guy and Alan, holding hands, glanced around the ship worriedly.

"Ouch." Jack muttered. No one had noticed the arrow in his back. Trying to reach it, he fell to the floor, dead.

"Shouldn't you…" Alan started, nudging Jack's form with his foot.

"He'll be fine," the group chorused. Sure enough, a few minutes later Jack returned to life and continued to try to take out the arrow. The Doctor knew that he really shouldn't laugh and that he should try to help but still… lol.

Jack was then pushed backwards, hit the wall, and the arrow came out of his stomach. "That's better." He grinned, before collapsing again.

"What about Arthur?" Merlin asked, quite randomly.

"Arthur?" Gene asked and Merlin rounded on him in great annoyance.

"My useless git of a lost somewhere in time and space prince-boyfriend!"

Gene scowled. "That's it!" he said loudly, "If we get one more poofter in this box I'll flipping castrate you!"

Alex tutted. "Guv, be polite."

Gwen scowled. "Hate is the strongest form of denial you know," she said, and Gene flushed scarlet. Whilst one again CJ reached his silence limit.

"Denial!" he sang out. "Hunt and Tyler sitting in a tree, doing what they shouldn't be!" Gene jumped for the skinny crazy, snarling.

"I'll kill him!" he yelled, whilst Alex and Gwen tried to hold him back. The Doctor just looked confused.

"Tyler?" he asked.

At this point the owl grew annoyed with not having a speaking part for a while. "That's it, we're leaving," it said huffily, bringing a wing slamming down on the TARDIS shuffle button.


	5. Chapter 5

**Happy new year epic fic readers! Bit late, but here's another part for you before I get shipped back off to uni and promptly forget to type anymore up or just y'know, post another section.  
**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

**

* * *

**Everyone simultaneously fell to the ground, except the owl and Donna, who successfully managed to relieve Jack of that arrow that was still penetrating half his body and being quite a hindrance. "Yes!" she yelled in triumph as Jack came back to life and immediately went sliding across the floor into the Doctor/Ianto/Gene/Alex/Gwen/whoever-else-was-in-the-TARDIS pile.

"We're here!" the owl announced, as the TARDIS, er- shuffled to a stop.

"Is it me or can I smell pies?" said Alex.

"Definitely not Arthur," muttered the Doctor. ("Could be," mumbled Merlin.)

After everyone managed to detach themselves, the TARDIS doors opened to a huge kitchen with four long tables slowly being laden with food by hundreds of—

"Rats!" shouted CJ.

"They're house elves," said the Doctor knowingly, resisting the temptation to throw CJ back in the TARDIS and lock the door.

"Evil house elves?" Merlin asked worriedly.

"Nah… you'll be happy to know you'll fit in here."

"Why?"

"Welcome to Hogwarts, guys," the Doctor said, spreading his arms wide.

"Erm, it's the kitchens…" Donna pointed out.

"Oh… follow me," the Doctor said, leading them out of the kitchens. No one noticed the lack of Ianto with them as they went up the stairs.

"Merlin's beard!" exclaimed a professor who had a very long white beard.

"But I don't have a beard," Merlin moaned.

"Forgive me for asking, professor," said the Doctor in an authoritative voice, "but what year is Mr. Harry Potter in?"

"Um… fourth year," said a confused Dumbledore. "But he's in the middle of a tournament right now."

"Which one?"

"The final one… the maze."

"WHAT?" said the Doctor, as he started for a run down the corridor, everyone else chasing after him.

"What's the problem with the maze?" shouted Donna through ragged breath.

"Well if you read the books… anyway we have to help Harry… I helped him live once before. I know it!"

"I like the last book best," CJ said, as they burst out of the castle before running into a crowd in front of a giant maze. "The bit where Fred or George Weasley dies is classic."

"What?" A pair of voices rang out through the crowd, as the very large TARDIS crew ran into the maze, the Doctor leading the way, CJ shrieking various plot spoilers to the story, the white haired wizard who was still following them seemed to find the end of the sixth book particularly upsetting.

Suddenly, they came into a clearing, and the Doctor ordered everyone to hold hands, they did so, just as the Doctor reached out to grab a pair of young boys and an innocent looking trophy.

But, they weren't in the maze anymore, but in a graveyard, and the already mostly confused group continued to stand in a circle whilst Harry and Cedric fell to the ground.

"What," Gwen asked, "is happening?"

"Where's Ianto?" asked Jack.

"Why am I holding hands with you?" Gene grumbled at Alex.

The remarks continued until the Doctor shouted for them all to be quiet, but CJ reached his limit immediately and started to sing 'ring a ring a roses'.

"Harry," Cedric said slowly, "Why are we surrounded by…?"

"I don't know," Harry said, just as clueless.

"I'm the Doctor," said the Doctor, "And this is the owl, Donna, Jack, Guy, Alan, Gwen, Gene, Alex, Merlin, and Dumbledore- oh wait, you know Dumbledore- and CJ, and—actually, where is Ianto?"

Ianto, meanwhile, was happily stood in Hogwarts' kitchens chatting to Dobby the house elf about coffee making and learning how to make these things appear out of thin air.

Back at the graveyard, Dumbledore was looking around, not knowing that CJ was currently plaiting his beard with pretty pink bows.

"What the?"

Shots of green light came towards them.

"Oo… pretty," said CJ, mesmerised.

"Duck!" yelled the Doctor, who pulled everyone to the ground.

"You missed," came a feeble hissing voice from across the graveyard. A man was stood with a bundle which was where the hissing voice was coming from.

The Doctor stood up authoritatively and shouted, "I'm here to stop you!" he pointed the sonic screwdriver at a cauldron in the distance which promptly wheezed and blew up, the liquid it contained spilling onto the ground.

"Stop it!" came the voice again. "Wormtail, kill him!"

The man took a step forward and the Doctor turned his sonic screwdriver on him. "AGH!" he yelled, dropping the bundle he'd been holding as he clutched his ear. The man then promptly fell to the ground… unconscious.

"You imbecile," yelled the hissing voice. The Doctor pointed the screwdriver at a headstone which also blew up.

"My word," said the owl.

"Merlin's beard!" exclaimed Dumbledore whilst pulling at the bows.

"Stop saying that," said Merlin.

"**ANYWAY!**" yelled the Doctor over them.

"You're too late mysterious alien muggle," Voldemort hissed; the baby had fallen into the miture on the floor. "All I need is blood!"

"I have blood!" CJ sang out, and quickly ran over, holding out his finger which had a nasty paper cut on it. A drop of blood fell on the baby, whilst the Doctor screamed out 'no!' along with Dumbledore and Harry, but soon enough, a strange transformation began to take place.

"Now look what you've done!" The Doctor shouted, whilst Donna ran up to Harry, suddenly remembering some significant plot details.

"You have to run! You have to _run, _now!"

But before Harry did run, a strange man was stood before them.

"I AM BACK—" he declared, before his eyes fell on the surprisingly large audience around him, apparently having not noticed them all before in his baby state. "Huh. This was a bigger audience than planned. There was only supposed to be one of you!" he threw his blanket at the still unconscious Wormtail in disgust.

"It's You-Know-Who!" screamed Cedric, before running right at Voldemort and only succeeding in being knocked aside to the floor, still.

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Gwen and Alex, attempting to run over to Cedric but being held back by Jack.

"Don't! He has to die. Timelines and all."

Unfortunately Jack couldn't hold CJ back. The crazy man ran towards the unconscious Cedric with a loaded gun aimed at him. Jack ran to stop him, stopping just behind CJ.

"Avada Kedavra!" the heard as a green light hit the Captain, killing him dead.

"Oi! Give me back my gun!" Gene shouted.

"Guns are bananas!" CJ declared loudly, before proceeding to shoot Jack just as he came back to life. "Oopsie," said CJ, looking embarrassed. Voldemort just blinked, suddenly looking confused.

"I don't feel so good…" The dark lord muttered, looking queasy. "What was in your blood?" he demanded, looking at CJ.

"Sugar… spice… and everything nice!" chirped CJ, doing a little jig.

"Incompatible! Wrong! Correction! _Functions offline!_" Voldemort squawked.

"Is it me or is there steam rising off him?" asked Merlin.

"Yeah there is—wait, he's my archrival, I'm supposed to defeat him!" Harry interrupted.

"Stop there!" CJ shouted, before shooting Voldemort in the heart and he fell back to the ground, again a strange baby.

"Looks like we can get back to the plot," said Donna, blinking in surprise. Everyone nodded, just as Cedric sat up from the ground, dazed.

"Wha… what happened?"

"Nothing."

The death eaters who had finally arrived looked around, saw the group and drew their wands.

"Run!" The Doctor yelled as they all ran away, holding onto Jack whose teleport device was being fixed. There was a flash of blue light before they all arrived in the maze.

"What the fudge…"

"Where's Cedric?"

"Gone to Isengard!" CJ said proudly.

"What?"

"Don't worry, he's safe," the Doctor smiled. "Now, for the rest of Hogwarts who now know the future…" he trailed off, looking to Jack and Gwen.

"Ret con?"

"You got it."

"Can I have some memory candy?" CJ asked, and Jack was sorely tempted to give his craziness a large dose and drop him in a ditch, but the Doctor shook his head at him sternly.

"No you can't CJ," he said. CJ turned an odd shade of green.

"Who said you could call me that?" he demanded. "You must address me as Captain Jack the Doctor Hugh Spartacus Laurie Lemon Richard Face _Barrowman! _Anderson Kedlington TD 1900 the thirteenth!"

Everyone stared at him. "But you said I didn't have to," the Doctor pointed out, and Ked blinked.

"Oh," he said. "You can call me Roxas, then."

"Anyway," the Doctor, turning to Jack and Gwen, with Gwen trying to convince Harry to take the tablets in the first place. What they hadn't noticed in their giving out of ret con was that they'd missed a particular white bearded wizard, who had slinked off someplace.

"Right, you two do that, and everyone else, back to the TARDIS," he said, and a long shaking line of TARDIS goers followed, CJ in the middle and prancing like a fairy.

"I'm a little fruit and nutcake~" he sang as he went.

Half way there Donna and Alex stopped. "Wait!" they said together. "We need to take someone with us," said Donna. "You have everywhere else."

"Isn't the TARDIS full enough?" the Doctor frowned.

"Nope," Donna smiled. "Can we take her?" they said, producing Luna Lovegood.

"Fine," the Doctor rolled his eyes in defeat. "Now, to the TARDIS!"


	6. Chapter 6

**It's been a while since I (twintailed) posted any of this up. So, let's remedy that!**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

**

* * *

**They charged back down to the kitchens, where they found Ianto with a sack full of pixie dust and a try of coffee. As everyone ran inside they took a cup and drank, Jack being given a very special coffee. Once the Captain had drank the liquid, he glomped Ianto and refused to let go.

The owl hopped down from the Doctor's head, where it had in fact been sitting the entire time doing a particularly tricky Sudoku, and sniffed at Jack's now empty cup. "Love potion," it said sombrely. "You, Ianto Jones, are an idiot."

"My idiot," Jack mumbled loving into the Welshman's hair and Ianto flushed a deep scarlet.

"Ianto," Gwen responded, appalled. "How could you?"

"Because he kept hitting on the Doctor," he said, pouting and looking so sad he was almost the epitome of a kicked puppy.

"Ianto," said Gwen sympathetically. "He loves you without it, you know."

"Love is a mysterious thing," said Luna absently, whilst having a staring contest with the owl.

"I love you Ianto," Jack mumbled before kissing his lovely Welsh tea boy, and all was well… for the time being of course.

"Love potion, you say," said Luna finally, after winning the staring contest, "that's easy enough." She tapped Jack on the head. Jack's face went black and he fell to the floor, dead. … again. "Darn Nargles," said Luna. "They mess with all my spells."

Everyone stared in a stupor as Ianto fell to the floor uncharacteristically shouting 'nooo!' whilst Jack twitched as he resurfaced back into life.

"He's not dead," Alex pointed out.

"The love potion is," Ianto mourned.

"I wish that I could do that when I'm annoyed with a certain someone," muttered Merlin.

"If the Nargles like you, then I'll teach you," said Merlin dreamily.

"Thank you," he said.

"This is the start of a bootiful friendship!" Roxas announced to the heavens, and everyone glared at him. However the insane man simply jumped onto the TARDIS sofa and started yelling something about Bernard Matthew's chickens.

The Doctor took his moment of relative (extremely relative) calm to try and work out how many people were actually in the TARIDS now, well, people and owls. The owl sat on the Doctor's head again. "Are you doing okay, old chap?" it asked kindly.

"Hmm…" the Doctor sighed. There were too many people around, but still… as the TARDIS began to dematerialise, Ianto held onto Jack and refused to let him go whilst the owl just stayed perched on the Doctor's head.

"Where next?" asked the owl.

CJ, who had found the cutlery draw, grinned. "Spoons!"

"That's it!" exclaimed the Doctor thoughtfully, before lapsing back into his contemplative silence.

"What is?" asked Gwen.

"Forks," said Luna.

"No, I said spoons!" said CJ, brandishing five in Luna's face, which she ignored as she began to (unsuccessfully) magically mend the tears in Merlin's clothes for no particular reason. "Use the forks Luke!" CJ screamed at the TARDIs ceiling, whilst the owl shifted worriedly on the Doctor's head.

"_**The **_Forks?" it asked, and the Doctor nodded.

"That's the one," the Time Lord confirmed, and the owl frowned.

"I think you're steering us towards fandoms best left alone old chap," it said quietly.

"Nonsense," said the Doctor. "We'll be just fine, I just need to visit one of the Quiluete Elders to ask about getting some herbal tea for CJ – maybe then he'll tell us where exactly he sent Arthur."

"I told you! I sent the hobbit to Isengard!" CJ yelled. The rest of the TARDIS crew rolled their eyes.

"Yeah, right…" Gene muttered.

"Well…"

"Hang on, hang on… _**the **_Forks?" Gwen asked, coming up to speed with the conversation with a sudden realisation. "The one with…"

"Yep."

"Best carry some garlic then."

"That doesn't work," said Ianto. Gwen sent him a glare, but he just shrugged. "I know everything."

"I bet you're a closet fan," she muttered. Ianto looked away at that, and Gwen grinned.

Before anyone could say anything else, the TARDIS landed with a large crunch, and everyone fell over, again.

"You need to work on landings," said Donna, helping up the rest of the girls.

"There's more people now," the Doctor said, a somewhat feeble excuse. "And I think we landed on something—"

CJ ran to the TARDIS door, looked down out of it, closed the door, and ran back again. "We're on a silver car," he announced.

"You've killed a Volvo," Ianto pointed out, and Gwen nodded.

"You'll have to be careful about that sort of thing, criminal damages and all – you could get prosecuted," Alex nodded her agreement as the now rather large party all stepped out of the TARDIS, clambering over the twisted metal and broken glass that had once been a Volvo.

"You should really pay for it," the older policeman pointed out, and the Doctor shrugged.

"Don't carry money," he said, non-committal, just as CJ leapt out of the TARDIS and latched his arms around his neck, riding piggy back.

"Queen doesn't carry money," he agreed, before pointing towards the nearest building. "Hi ho silver, awaaaay!"

Watching this, Jack pouted.

"Why don't I get any piggy backs?"

"Because this horsey don't give rides," the Doctor said, trying to get CJ off him, but the crazy man wouldn't budge. Sighing, he led the way, walking into the house, all but two of the crew following him.

"Wow!" said Alex, impressed. "It's huge."

"Too white," Luna said dreamily, standing next to Ianto who was stood fixated to the spot, in what fangirls would call a 'universe imploding fanboy moment'.

Suddenly there was a commotion inside the house, and the extra large TARDIS crew turned to see several extremely pale teenagers watching them from a doorway.

"The Cullens!" the Doctor said amiably, holding out a hand in greeting, whilst Ianto fanboy squeaked the same announcement.

"Who are these pretty boys then?" Gene asked angrily. "Where the hell have you poofters dragged me now?"

The Doctor however didn't answer and proceeded to shake the hand of the boy in front, who introduced himself as Edward. Both CJ and Luna were staring at him, Luna looking serene, but confused, and CJ looking slightly more insane than usual.

"DCI Hunt," the Doctor said happily, "may I introduce Edward Cullen and his family – they're vampires." Gene blinked whilst everyone else nodded knowingly. Ianto in particular was foaming at the mouth.

"Vampire!" CJ screamed suddenly, whilst Luna simply smiled and said, 'hey, Cedric'. But CJ pushed her aside, grabbing a large broom and snapping it in half. "Cedric came back as a vampire!" he screeched, plunging the pointy end of the broom handle into the vampire's chest.


	7. Chapter 7

**The cliffhanger being left to... hang... was intentional! Really! ... anyway. Next part? Yep. Here we go.  
**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

* * *

Meanwhile, on the road to Isengard, Arthur was currently running around looking for dragons to slay. However, unfortunately for him he had only succeeded in squishing a few bugs, slicing a butterfly in half and tripping over a number of tree roots. Legolas and Gimli had followed close behind, wondering just what on earth this strange blonde boy was up to. After all, he had literally appeared out of thing air spouting nonsense about slaying dragons. However, what the blonde had failed to notice was that he was going in the complete opposite direction to where the one and only dragon was. They weren't going to tell him that though.

"Oh, I've had enough of this," said Legolas and he picked Arthur up by the scruff of his neck as Arthur swung his sword violently in response. "Listen you wild thing. We are going that way, to Isengard. The only vaguely dragon like thing is there."

"Unhand me sir!" screamed Arthur, managing to half strangle himself by swinging himself around. Legolas promptly dropped him. "Onwards!" he added, still screaming, this time running in the right direction.

"Hold on," came a voice from behind them as a bob of black hair started appearing over the crest of the hill.

"There you are Aragorn, we were wondering where you got to."

"Sorry, slipped down the hill. Anyway, who's this? A misshapen hobbit?"

"We're not quite sure," said Legolas honestly.

"I am Arthur, prince of Camelot and the Britons! And who sir, are you?" Arthur said angrily, straightening his chainmail indignantly. Aragorn looked at him in dismay before turning to his companions, Gimli was trying not to laugh whilst Legolas simply shrugged.

"I am Aragorn, a ranger," Aragorn said and Gimli rolled his eyes.

"And I am Gimli son of Glóin – and the tall bimbo here is called Legless."

"Le-go-las," the elf gritted out, and Gimbli shrugged.

"Also," the dwarf added, "this here 'ranger' is the true King of Gondor."

Aragorn clipped him around the ear. "Stop introducing me like that," he grumbled, whilst Gimli swore revenge.

"True King? Then where's your throne?" Arthur pointed out. "Or did you get kicked off it?"

"Well, I've never even heard of this Camelot."

"_Camelot_ is the greatest kingdom in the land!"

"_Gondor _is the greatest place you could ever come across!"

"Camelot is better than Gondor!"

"No it's not!"

"Is!"

"Not!"

"_**Is**_."

The two princes' stopped, eyeing each other up, getting ready for a fight.

Legolas, seeing sparks, looked quickly around him for a distraction. "Er… what's that…" he said enthusiastically, pointing towards Isengard. "Is that flames?" he gasped dramatically. "A dragon!"

"DRAGON!" screamed Arthur, breaking his dagger eyes as he sped off down the hill.

"Well I guess we know Gondor is best," said Aragon proudly, hands on hips. And his companions both shook their heads despairingly.

. . . .

Meanwhile, back in Forks, the TARDIS crew, having just been involved in an event of extreme literary murder, were desperately trying to get back to their ship.

"Why the hell did you do that Roxas?" the Doctor yelled at CJ, as they rounded the final corner before the TARDIS.

"Call me Ishmael!" CJ screeched back, clicking his fingers to open the police box's doors.

"And how the _hell_ did he do _that_?" the Doctor demanded. "This is _**my **_TARDIS!"

The owl, who hadn't actually bothered to leave the vicinity of the TARDIS in the first place, looked at the Time Lord condescendingly.

"There's an obvious explanation for that my dear boy," is said smugly, but the Doctor just shook his head.

"I refuse to believe that possibility until the writers have confirmed it," he said icily.

Ianto, having seen his hero killed before his eyes was now in a state of shock, disbelief, and horror. His blood began to boil and he ran towards CJ with a fist raised.

"How could you? How could you do that to him?" Ianto shouted, pulling the crazy man within reach.

"He's a vampire."

"This is for the fangirls!" Ianto snarled before punching him. Jack, seeing that the Welshman was upset, stood in and hugged him

"There there…" Jack comforted whilst glaring at CJ. "Best hide from the screaming fangirls…"

"Around the world they'll be crying for the death of Edward Cullen."

"Not the Jacob fans," Gwen put in.

"Would you kindly explain what all this is about?" Gene said gruffly, staring at them all in bewilderment.

"It's okay, Guv," said Alex sympathetically. "Just keep an eye out in 2005 and everything will become clear."

"Bolls," he grumbled, "I'm not waiting twenty-odd years for this to make sense!"

Alex shrugged with a smile, before turning to Donna, leaving Gene to grumble to himself and contemplate arresting CJ for murder or not.

CJ was feeling very pleased with himself, he had saved the day, once again, but now he found himself completely covered in Edward Cullen dust. "I need a shower," he announced loudly, and the Doctor just nodded wearily.

"Fourth door on the left," he said, but CJ pouted.

"Too slow!" he announced, and pulled the cord for the TARDIS sprinkler system.

"Group shower!" he announced, and Jack joined in delightedly.

"Everyone take your clothes off!" the American ordered, and the Doctor finally snapped.

"No!" he said loudly, whilst Donna quickly turned the sprinklers off. "Fingers on lips!" the Time Lord continued, and everyone obeyed, even CJ. "Right," the Doctor said, "We are all going to the wardrobe to get fresh clothes; get in pairs, hold hands, and follow _quietly, _children."

Everyone once again obeyed, though they weren't sure why.

Arriving in the wardrobe, everyone started to redress. CJ grabbed a green velvet waistcoat, golden cravat, and produced a tall top hat tied with a pink scarf from somewhere.

"Hey!" the Doctor reprimanded. "Those are my eighth regeneration clothes."

CJ stuck his tongue out. "Well, now they're _my _eighth regeneration clothes!" he said.

Captain Jack meanwhile started flicking through the rails, finding a rather nice long black frock coat with silver buttons, a lace trimmed shirt, some breeches and a rather nice pair of boots. Looking around, he smiled when he find the finishing touch of a certain pirate's hat. He then started picking off outfits for Ianto, finding rather fetching (well, in Jack's opinion) maids, sailors, and bunny outfits. Ianto pouted at the selection before finding a blue pinstriped suit. Grinning, he quickly changed into it before Jack forced him to wear some kitty ears.

Merlin, who was now getting frustrated at the lack of seriousness and of his master, pulled out a black top and some trousers with chains attached and put them on, smiling at the fit and his reflection in the mirror.

"Better!" Jack said, ruffling the young warlock's hair.

"Oi, that's my suit!" the Doctor said to Ianto.

"And doesn't it look so fine on him?" The American asked.

The owl, who was up in the rafters, found a disregarded bow tie, before attaching it to the ruff of its neck. "Nice if I do say so myself," it tooted, before flying down to land on Luna's shoulder, of which the young witch was suspiciously dressed as a girl who goes to Wonderland.

"Curious," she said dreamily, and the owl chuckled at the irony.

Amid the others dressing, Donna suddenly let out a yelp.

"Donna?" Jack and the Doctor shouted in unison, and the TARDIS ensemble appeared behind them.

"Wood!" she said speechlessly.

"Yes, that is word," Ianto said with an eyebrow raised.

"I know that!" she retorted. "But it's a wardrobe! _A wardrobe in a wardrobe!_"

"Curiouser and curiouser," Alice, I mean Luna, said again, and CJ nodded. The Doctor looked at the wardrobe and the snowy forest contained within.

"What the bloody hell is that?" Gene demanded angrily, and Gwen looked at it in disbelief.

"It's like Narnia…" she said, and the Doctor clicked his fingers.

"Narnia," he said. "I knew I left it somewhere!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Yeah. It's that time again. More fanfic written up by the tailed of the twin'd.**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

* * *

"Andiamo!" CJ yelled before running through the piece of wooden furniture and dragging Merlin with him. The Doctor rolled his eyes, knowing that he couldn't let the crazy man and the warlock go running around in Narnia and chased after them, Captain Jack following straight after. The rest of them did the same, their feet crunching in the snow underfoot.

"Since when did you have Narnia in the TARDIS?" asked Donna.

"Long story," the Doctor said thoughtfully. "To cut to the chase, I was asked to keep it for a specific event, so I put it somewhere I wouldn't forget it."

"In your wardrobe."

"Well, yeah," he said, with so much decisive authority that even Donna had no answer for it.

Gene suddenly sneezed. "Why is it so cold?"

"More snow's falling," said Alex. "Look."

And sure enough, the snow was getting faster, and turned into a blizzard in a blink of an eye, and the wardrobe door to the TARDIS suddenly disappeared into the white mist.

"We have to find shelter!" shouted Gwen.

"Need some shelter honourable owl?" an enquiry came from a tree above, and everyone looked up to see a large mouse with a sword.

"Hello there," the owl said amiably. "Do you know where we can go?"

"Aye, milady," said the mouse. "I know somewhere you and your odd looking entourage of servants can go." Everyone huffed at this but the mouse simply jumped from the tree, did a triple somersault before landing neatly in the snow.

"Let me introduce myself," it said. "I am Reepicheep, the great great great great great blah blah blah grandfather of the most well known one."

"How can you know that?" Merlin queried.

"Well, I'm the Doctor, this is Donna, Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen, Ianto, the owl, Gene, Alex, Merlin, Luna, and-"

"Ishmael!" the crazy man said.

"Now, shelter?"

"Of course," the mouse bowed. "If you will follow me?" And he started scuttling away, the rather large TARDIS crew following.

"Where are we going?" Alex asked.

"My house, dear lady."

"Can we all fit in a mouse's house-?" Merlin asked doubtfully.

"It's magic," said Luna. Merlin frowned; this was getting kind of annoying… but at least Luna hadn't rebuked him about it.

"Don't be silly," said the mouse, somehow climbing up onto the Doctor's shoulder despite the fact that blizzard was blinding just about everyone else. "I house share. It's the best way for us all to stay safe from her."

"Why do you share a house?" asked the Doctor, whilst Gene muttered, 'why would a mouse share a house in the first place?'.

The mouse waved his tail in front of the Doctor's eyes whilst sighing dramatically, his voice particularly tragic. "We're in a recession! The great winter decline! All life is moot! Even my tragically amazing theatre company cannot perform-!"

"I thought it was a witch," said Gwen, the mouse lapsing into silence.

"Well," he said eventually. "Her too. She sold all the gold whilst the net price was very low. This is what you get with unelected officials."

The Doctor looked nonplussed. "Are you sure that's right?" he asked, and Reepicheep the first looked affronted.

"You question me sir?" it demanded, waving a tiny stage-sized sword in front of the Doctor's nose, though god knows how he reached that far, and the Doctor held up his hands in defeat.

"Of course not," he said peaceably, as the group reached a cute looking Romanesque villa covered in snow.

"Good," the mouse chirped. "I'll introduce you to my housemates." The amassed crew nodded in agreement, staring at the villa before realising that they were still stood outside in the snow. As they started walking inside, CJ stopped, sure that he'd heard something.

"Here, kitty, kitty…" he called. "Here puss…" And the big cat leapt into the clearing, roaring. "Here, kitty…" CJ carried on.

The 'cat' moved closer; as it did so, it appeared to get bigger. "Erm…" said Gwen.

The 'cat' growled again, and Gene close to fainted. "That's not your average domestic cat," he said skittishly.

"Get back CJ," said the Doctor, pulling the crazy man back by the scruff of the neck. Everyone stepped back along with them.

"Is that… a tiger?" said Donna.

"Oh for heaven's sake," said the owl-who-sounded-like-Stephen-Fry. "That's a lion."

"Ahem," the lion said as it cleared its throat. Everyone stopped backing up. "Hello," it said, rather friendly.

"Don't eat me! I'm too young to die! I have to live to have canon descendants!" Reepicheep mourned, despite the fact the lion was being perfectly friendly in nature.

"Hello," several of the crew muttered, and the lion looked disapproving at the lack of volume.

"Louder!" he half-roared – whilst not that loud, the snow obviously thought it was, as a pile of snow on the roof promptly fell on the party's heads. Well, save the owl, who flew out of the way, and Reepicheep, who jumped hastily off the Doctor's head, and Ianto, who had stepped forward.

"Excuse me. But are you-?"

"Yes," the lion said proudly. "I am the-lion-voiced-by-Liam-Neeson." Everyone looked blank, except CJ who jumped on the lion, proceeding to hug him manically.

"Qui-gon!" he sang. "They reincarnated you as a giant kitty! Bless the force!"

The lion looked shifty for a moment, before replying quietly, "That as may be, my young padawan, they call me Aslan here."

The mouse heard this. "Aslan?" he demanded shrilly. "My lord! I pledge to you my services as highly paid Shakespearian actor!"

The lion smiled slightly, but in this day and age, he could not afford any performers or actors, sadly.

"Hang on… Aslan? As in _the_ Aslan?" Ianto queried.

"That would be me."

"I'm a great fan. The way you showed the Winter Queen…" Ianto started babbling. For once, he was not the only one. Even Alex looked somewhat delighted.

"Well, pleased to meet you," the Doctor said, shaking the lion's paw.

Merlin, who had been hiding behind the Time Lord, looked for somewhere to hide. Where was Arthur when he needed him to protect him? Oh yeah, in a place called Isengard.

. . . .

In the place called 'Isengard' Arthur had run so fast down the hill he tripped and was now rolling down it at gathering speed. Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn had long since stopped trying to catch him (it was a very high hill).

"Think he's alright?" commented Gimli.

"Meh," replied Legolas vaguely.

Arthur's rolling escapades quickly became a spectator's sport. The three of them ooh-ed and aah-ed as Arthur did turns in the air and chorused ow's as he hit rocks and trees before eventually he hit the bottom with a bump.

"Ow," he said, nursing his head.

"Wanna drag him back up?" said Gimli.

"As tempting as that is-" started Aragorn, before Legolas interrupted him.

"We best not. I think for the sake of the hobbits due ten leagues from here we best leave his highness and continue on."

"I'm coming with you!" said Arthur, scrambling up from the ground, running over to the other three. "Dragons away!"

"Idiot," mumbled Aragorn, sighing.

. . . .

Whilst they started up the chase, the aforementioned hobbits were currently having the fright of their lives. "This is it, Merry!" shouted Pippin, as one of the orcs taking part in the fight around them changed direction, instead, coming to kill them; but suddenly it fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Run!" said their mysterious saviour, grabbing them both by the hand and fleeing the brutal scene into the edge of the woods.

"I never want to run so much again!" wheezed Merry. Meanwhile, Pippin stared at their saviour – who, whilst in black trousers and a green t-shirt, was-

"She's a girl!" he said. Said girl smiled.

"Jenny," she offered.

"And what sort of a name is that?" Merry said, raising an eyebrow.

"I'd say the same to you two," Jenny said frankly. "Meriadoc and Peregrin? What was Tolkien thinking?"

The two hobbits looked at her blankly as she took them by the hands once more and led them further away from the unconscious orcs. "Tolkien a what now?" Pippin asked, and Jenny shrugged.

"Don't you worry your pretty hobbit head about it," the not quite Time Lady said, ruffling their curly hair. "Come on, we'll get some breakfast." The two hobbits immediately perked up.

"True and honest?" Merry asked. "A real breakfast?"

"Is there any other kind?" Jenny smiled.

. . . .

Arthur, meanwhile, was struggling to keep up with the others, who, for all intensive purposes, seemed to be trying to lose him. Trudging on in his dented armour, Arthur wished that his idiotic eye candy was here. Then it might have been worth being stabbed, falling down hills and tripping up, because then Merlin could have kissed him better.

"Quick, he's brooding!" said Gimli, speeding up, even though he himself wasn't moving very fast at all. However, Legolas suddenly stopped. "I said go, you elvish twit!" roared Gimli.

"No, wait," he said, and Aragorn stopped. "There's smoke beyond that ridge. Do you see it?"

True to word, smoke was billowing beyond the nearest peak.

"Now you mention it-"

"**D R A G O N!" **Arthur yelled, bellowing and whooping as he ran past the entire party at supersonic speed, and –

– promptly fell down after tripping over a rock.

"Ouchie," he whispered before getting to his feet. Despite the gravity of the situation the others couldn't help but laugh. Arthur picked himself up, annoyed to find he'd now gone and scratched his armour as well as denting it. Never mind, there was a dragon to slay!

The group rounded the corner of the beyond hill to find a burning pile of corpses.

"Orcs!" said Legolas.

"Ruddy stinks," Arthur said loudly, and Aragorn rolled his eyes.

"The wee Halflings… aren't in there are they?" Gimli said quietly, looking rather upset. Legolas frowned.

"Impossible to tell, the group came under a large scale attack, it seems…"

"From a dragon?" Arthur piped in, and everyone glared at him.

"No," Legolas said, resisting the temptation to roll his eyes or run an arrow through him to shut him up. "Sit down on that rock before you hurt yourself."

"How dare you-! I'm the prince of Camelot-!"

"We've done this already," said Aragorn flatly. Grumbling about inconsideration, Arthur reluctantly sat down on the rock. Stupid Gondor twat.

"They must be here," Legolas was saying, as Gimli scoured the remains. Before he could say anything at all, the trees of the forest started rustling.

"Swords," started Aragorn, and the three all poised, ready.


	9. Chapter 9

**Yes. You're reading this correctly. It's been less than hour since the last update!**

**Why? Well, I had no choice in the matter, really.**

**Strictly/mousetrap/bro told me so. FOR FLUFF.  
**

**SO! It had to be done. _Right now._**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

* * *

Meanwhile, in the parallel universe left of the Doctor's world, Rose Tyler was taking a break. Walking into a café, Rose smiled.

"Uncle Sam!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"I've been moved – London branch."

"Nice one!" she grinned.

"What about you?"

"Oh, same as always," she waved him off. This actually meant 'Torchwood', but she couldn't actually _say _that.

Simultaneously, they both looked around the otherwise empty café to the counter, where the owner had been just moment before, but he seemed to have left in the last minute or so since Rose had come into the place. Just where was that Shakespearean master?

"When did Reepes leave?" Sam asked, and Rose shrugged.

"God only knows," said Rose. "He likes to disappear for _hours _out back. I'd half suspect he's going somewhere. I wonder what's out back…"

"Never looked," said Sam. "That man has his secrets." (Why the fact he's a man can easily be explained by the fact he's wearing a shimmer, but only the Doctor would know that.)

"We should look," said Rose mischievously. "Out back."

Sam half smiled. "Now, Rose-"

Whatever he was about to say was lost in the sound of a sudden noise - possibly a lode of traipsing feet - out of the back of the shop.

"Oooh.. coffee!" came a sudden cry as a hyperactive pink haired man burst into the sop through the door behind the counter. Rose froze as she took in his face, he looked just like…

"Get back here!" a loud northern voice yelled, shortly followed by its owner, a large, blonde haired man, who barrelled through after the pink haired man, grabbing him and holding him still as the pink man squirmed desperately, reaching out for the coffee machine. Sam froze also.

"Guv?" he said, but the blonde man was still occupied with the main the top hat.

"For god's sake don't let him get any caffeine," came a third voice, and the two Tyler's continued to watch in silence as an owl fluttered in and settled on the cake's counter.

"Definitely. You see how bad he is without!" came an American accent. "But Ianto, work some of your coffee magic?"

"Magic?" queried a dark haired goth, walking through the doors after the American and the tea boy.

"Not literally Merlin," a Welsh woman answered. "Now, where is the owner of the café?"

"Gone out back we think," the two Tyler's chorused, staring at the doors and wondering just how many more were due through them. Rose's eyes were drawn to one man in a frock coat, certain that she recognised him, but didn't know where from.

"I'm _covered _in snow!" came a distinctly frustrated voice, drowning out what anyone else was going to say. "Just because you leaned on that beam!"

"Donna, I told you, I didn't mean—" came a second voice, just as the two rounded through the doors and into the café itself. That being, a ginger haired woman whose hair and clothes were completely dusted in snow, and a man in a brown suit, with really _great _hair, who was—

"Doctor?" Rose said quietly, her voice in slight astonishment and doubt, as he in turn looked at her, cut off mind sentence as he stared back, the room suddenly being devoured in silence, as if everyone knew there was something happening that deserved respectful silence.

"Rose?" he said, in perhaps one of the Doctor's smallest voices; as if everything weighed on that very name that he spoke.

"It's you," she said, repeating it twice. "It's you…"

But she nor him needed anymore words, as Rose ran across the room, past all the people from the many different worlds, to take him up in an embrace that surpassed any phrase in the universe, that meant more than words alone could say.

"You're crying," he said softly into her hair.

Rose laughed – she was, tears on his suit. "Why wouldn't I? It's you." She looked up at him, smiling softly. "You're crying too," she conceded, and the Doctor sniffed.

"Am not," he said thickly, and Rose laughed again, the Doctor joining her, as they both basked in the moment, in the insanity and the lack of decent plot forgotten for just a second.

Just a second.

"I miss mah cupcake," CJ said quietly, and Donna noted that the crazy man was crying as well, fumbling with the rim of his top hat, which he had removed a second earlier.

"Who's the blonde?" Gene asked bluntly, completely oblivious to his former subordinate, who was looking at him from the other side of the fluff.

"You wouldn't understand, Guv," said Alex, who had been stood in the doorway after entering behind Donna and the Doctor, and had now chosen this moment to enter, walking over to Gene. "It's something called…"

But she stopped, her attention suddenly elsewhere. "Oh, my god," she said, mouth gaping. "Sam!"

"Sam what?" said Gene, but Alex had already scarpered away from him.

"You're here!" she said, ecstatic. "I'm not crazy!"

"Sorry, but…" Sam started. "Don't think I…"

"Tyler!" Gene practically shouted. "What the Devil are you doing here? I… I thought I'd killed you," he muttered.

"What?" Sam said.

"It's you! It's actually you!" Alex continued, lost in her own little world of fangirlyness.

"Alex, meet Sam. Tyler, meet Bolly," Gene introduced, before stepping forwards to shake Sam's hand. Sam went for a man hug before both stepped back, holding up their hands.

"Woah… not another…"

"Sam!" Alex shouted, practically throwing herself on him.

"Help… me," he said quietly from the floor.

"Pile on!" yelled CJ, who had recovered from his emotional outburst. He took a running leap at Sam and Alex. _Thump._

A dreamy voice came from outside. "I told you it's the Nargles, they chew holes in all sorts of things." An odd girl stepped in wearing a blue dress and an apron. "Oh, coffee, how muggle."

"What's a muggle?" replied a posh voice as a blonde man – wearing a shimmer - stepped in after him.

CJ looked up at him. "OMFG!" he squeaked in the voice of a ten year old girl (or maybe a couple fo hyperactive eighteen year old Kingdom Hearts fangirls). "Jesse McCartney!" The man in the top hat then barrelled over and grabbed the blonde, spinning him around. "I am your _biggest _fan!"

Jesse McCartney looked at him bleakly, before speaking in Reepicheep's voice. "So _that's_ what the shimmer looks like," he said.

The Doctor, who was in the middle of going for the world's longest Eskimo kiss record with Rose, held up his sonic screwdriver without looking away from her. "Shimmer," he said, waving the sonic, and Jesse McCartney promptly disappeared leaving the mouse in CJ's arms.

"Shimmer what?" asked Rose.

"Nothing," said the Doctor, as CJ almost dropped the now-mouse in shock/surprise/disgust.

Sam, having managed to disentangle himself from Alex (who was still animatedly talking in his ear), was now staring in shock at the mouse. "_You're a mouse?_"

"Obviously," the mouse said, rolling his eyes.

"Magic!" Merlin yelled, staring at the creature.

"A mouse running a café? Now that's new," Ianto commented.

"Still no Arthur though," Gwen pointed out, helpfully reminding them of their quest (and the writer's of the plot).

"Arthur…" Merlin uttered, practically bursting into tears and sitting in a corner, curling up into a ball, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth.

"Wimpy twat," said Gene indignantly.

"Don't be harsh you overgrown antagonist from a Hornblower film!" said CJ, in a moment of odd half-clarity. "He misses his cupcake – we all know that feels like!"

"Stop talking bloody nonsense!" said Gene, rapidly turning towards his rage ridden side. "You're almost worse than the tosspotio Keats back home."

"Now, Guv…" said Alex.

"Fine, he's not, but he's darn close," he grumbled.

"Who's Keats?" Sam asked.

"Whilst you were away, Tyler, stuff actually happened!" retorted Gene, still annoyed.

Meanwhile, Luna was over next the balled form that was commonly known as Merlin. "You're surrounded by rakspurts."

"What?" Merlin mumbled.

"Cheer up Merlz… we'll soon find Artie for you," Gwen said, sitting down on the other side of him. "It's just that the Doctor's TARDIS isn't all that reliable."

"Oi!" came a yell from the record attempting couple, simultaneously defending the blue box's honour. The Doctor smiled at the London girl.

"I didn't know you cared," he said in awe as Rose nodded.

"Of course silly, me and the TARDIS go away back – Bad Wolf BFFS, yeah?" Rose said, grinning, and the Doctor kissed her.

"I love you, Rose Tyler," he said as he broke away, and Rose gave a little laugh, tears in her eyes again.

"I love you too, Doctor," she said. And an almighty whoop came from the other side of the room, where Jack and Ianto had been standing the whole time, holding hands and crying themselves as the fluff unfolded in front of them.

"This," Jack started, wiping away the tears that were fake or not, "calls for only one thing."

"What?" said Gwen, Donna, Ianto, the Doctor and Rose in unison.

"Fandom group hug!" Jack declared, dragging Ianto along by the hand and picking up Gwen and Donna along the way, eventually with the six of them in a huge hug.

"What has this got to do with anything?" said the Doctor, though he wasn't complaining too much as a) hugs were like air to him, and b) he could continue hugging Rose.

"Dunno."

"Hey! What about us?" Alex asked, pointing to the others.

"Apparently," began the owl, looking over the rim of its glasses and putting down the paper, "it's just TARDIS crew only."

"But we're members too!"

"But, whilst we're at it, why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"That's my line!" CJ yelled.

"No, it's not," the owl said haughtily and CJ pouted.

"Well, I should be in that hug too," the pink men mourned. But the owl clipped him around the ear.

"Just because the writers like that idea more than the other ones hardly means it's 'confirmed'," it pointed out, and CJ walked off in a huff.

"Master should be in it too," he yelled over his shoulder, and the Doctor finally looked away from Rose long enough to notice Sam Tyler next to Gene and Alex.

"Wait a sec," he started, before shouting, "What? What? What?"


	10. Chapter 10

**And it's that familiar twintailed again! Here's part 10.  
**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

* * *

"What's the name of the donkey in Winnie the Pooh?" said the owl.

"The Master is on the other side of the room," said the Doctor, his voice in disbelief. "And you ask _that?_"

"It's my crossword," said the owl, shrugging and staring at the paper it had liberated.

"Eeyore," Luna supplied dreamily.

"Look, woodland animals aside- Jack, stop trying to grope me- the Master is over there!" yelled the Doctor.

"The Master?" queried Ianto.

"Agh!" Jack said. "Please, no shackles!"

"But you like…" Ianto began.

"No I don't."

"Hang on, Jack? Jack Harkness?" Rose asked. "Where's your grey coat?"

"Decided to go for the Pirate look," Jack shrugged, but he winked at her.

"It suits you."

"For God's sake! The Master is over there and all you two can do is swap fashion tips," the Doctor ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Who is the Master?" the owl pointed out.

"He's the Master," the Doctor said desperately, trying to put Rose behind him.

"Didn't know you were into that sort of thing Doctor," Donna said conversationally, having made herself a hot chocolate. The Doctor flushed scarlet, lost for words.

"What are you…" he said. "It's the…" he looked at Jack desperately. "Jack, back me up here."

Donna looked at Sam. "Oh! It's the mad Prime Minister we had," she said, and the Doctor sobbed in frustration, leaving Rose to pat him on the arm.

"Doctor," she said gently. "It's just my Uncle Sam."

"Your Uncle?" the Doctor said – probably aiming to shout, but he was running out of steam.

"Maybe they just look alike," suggested Gwen.

The Doctor looked at her, then Sam. "Timey-wimey-ness doesn't apply here; I could tell," he mumbled. He then looked straight at Sam. "Who are you?"

"Sam Tyler, DI," he supplied.

"Working under Gene Hunt," Gene added. "Don't look at me like that, Tyler, you are. My word is law."

"Could have fooled me," Alex muttered.

"What is Winnie the Pooh's favourite food, made by bees, five letters?" the owl interrupted.

"Is that the Times crossword or a children's quiz?" Jack asked.

"Times' crossword," the owl mumbled, holding onto the paper in the way only an owl-who-sounded-like-Stephen-Fry could, rather protectively. Merlin got to his feet, wandering over to the coffee machine and messing with a few buttons, stepping back immediately as steam shot out.

"Honestly, amateurs." Ianto rolled his eyes, moving Merlin out of the way and starting to make coffee for everyone.

"Best make them to take out. We've got Narnia to explore."

"If they stop arguing," said Merlin, now proceeding to press another button that caused the whole machine to shake, and the owl to fly off in protest, squawking.

"Such rudeness," it tutted.

"Honey," said Luna, as the others continued to argue.

"Honey what?" asked Rose, but Luna simply pointed to the owl and its newspaper, where it was busy filling in the provided answer.

"Okay," said the Doctor, still scrutinising Sam. "Suppose you're not the Master."

"I'm not," said Sam innocently.

"Doctor, if he was, we'd be dead," said Jack. "Well, you all would be."

"That's what he wants you to think," answered the Doctor.

"But he knows us," said Alex. "Same world. Everyone has a doppelganger."

"I don't," the Doctor said gruffly.

"Not _**yet**_," CJ muttered, and the owl glared at him.

"And Rose's alternate was a dog!" the Doctor said, exasperated, and Rose scowled.

"Thanks," she grumbled, and the Doctor winced apologetically.

"If that is the case," Alex sad in her I-am-Alex-Drake-and-therefore-much-more-clever-than-everyone-in-this-room-particularly-Chris voice, "And Rose in one dimension was a dog in another, why shouldn't your 'Master' guy be our regular Sam Tyler in our dimension?"

The Doctor paused, momentarily confused by the psychoanalyst's logic.

"Look," said the owl. "While we're all letting this paradoxical information sink in, I think you're all forgetting about Narnia. Come on. Drink up your coffee."

"COFFEE!" yelled CJ in pre-caffeine madness.

"NO COFFEE FOR YOU!" The Doctor yelled over his shoulder.

"Aw," said CJ in a prolonged moan.

"Come on, hop it," said the owl.

"But it's too hot," said Jack.

"Yeah," agreed Ianto. "And I want another biscuit," he added thoughtfully, munching away.

"Where did you get those from?" Rose asked accusingly.

"Counter," said Ianto innocently, nibbling at another one whilst swinging Jack's hand.

"Careful, you'll spill it," said Jack, getting progressively more jumpy.

The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck in thought. "Narnia… we'd best get back to the TARDIS…"

"Hang on, aren't we already _in_ the TARDIS?"

"Huh?"

"Well, we got here to this parallel universe through Narnia, and we got to Narnia through the TARDIS wardrobe…"

"Er…"

. . . .

Meanwhile, somewhere on the road to Isengard, Arthur was still emoing on a rock, and the trees were still rustling.

"Watch it," Aragorn whispered to the other three. "Could be an orc."

"Orc smork," said Arthur, his latest sulking spree over as he stood up and walked slightly closer to the others. But he shut up anyway, as the tress parted, and all four had their hands on their weapons, and—

Jenny stepped through, hobbitless, and frowning. "You were all going to hurt me? Tsk. After I went to the effort of getting a lode of horses from those Riders…"

"It's a lass," said Gimli.

"It's a trick," said Aragorn, still scowling.

"It's-" started Legolas, but Arthur suddenly spoke, finishing, "IT'S HER!"

"Hmm?" everyone said, and Jenny tilted her head to one side questioningly.

"It's the crazy lady!" Arthur yelled, and then spun on his heel before running into the forest, screaming like a baby. Everyone watched him go silently.

"Should we go after the wee wild thing?" Gimli asked, whilst Legolas wondered how the dwarf could call anyone who wasn't a hobbit 'wee'.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about him," Jenny said brightly, skipping over to them. "He'll just run into Ian McKellen before he gets into any trouble."

The name was lost to them, but it was only after they had all introduced themselves that Aragorn got the chance to ask. "Ian McKellen?"

"Yes," she said. "The White Wizard."

The three men visibly tensed and drew their weapons. "Sauroman," Legolas growled, and they all turned to face the forest, to see, to their complete shock and delight, Gandalf, alive and well – and with Arthur hanging off his arm.

The blonde was whining to his disinterested captor as they went. "And she wanted to marry me, which was not cool because I want a civil partnership to my sexy Merlin!"

At that part, everyone stopped, even Gandalf, and stared. "But don't tell him. It's a secret. I like annoying him until then."

"Right…"

"Gandalf? Is that really you?"

"No, it's a ghost," the wizard said sarcastically, but he chuckled in good humour. "Of course it's me, fools!"

"But… how?"

"He fell down a hole, regenerated (like my dad) et viola… ah… love my dad…" Jenny explained.

"What?"

"Where _is _your dad?" Arthur squeaked, hiding behind Gandalf ever since being put down.

"Flying around in a blue box somewhere," she shrugged.

"The king is flying around in a box?" the blonde prince asked sceptically.

"No. The Doctor is."

Arthur stopped, suddenly argument-less, and smoke started to billow out of his head.

"Is your…?" Jenny started, but Gimli interrupted.

"Woops! Sorry! Was just cooking something just here…"

Whatever Gimli, said, mind, Arthur was still stuck in a state of one hundred percent confusement.

"Someone put him on a horse," said Aragorn, and Legolas set to it. "Gandalf, we have to find Merry and Pippin-"

"Already met them," he said cheerily. "They're on their own mission now. We have other things to attend to in this war… in Rohan."

"Ooh! I like this bit!" Jenny said, jumping onto a horse with elegance and poise, and the men followed suit, as Gandalf summoned Shadofax.

"Off we go then!" Jenny announced loudly, and they begin their ride to Rohan.


	11. Chapter 11

**And what I've been meaning to do for a while... here's part 11.  
**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

* * *

"And that," said the Doctor, "is how everything that has happened so far makes perfect scientific sense, it was the jelly babies that sealed it." Everyone nodded, completely happy with his explanation, having finished their coffee in the process. Stacking up the cups by the sink, they started to walk back towards the TARDIS wardrobe, though as they did so, a tree swayed precariously and Jack, who was at the rear eying up everyone else's backsides, saw the trunk begin to fall on CJ. Running, he pushed the crazy man out of the way before being squished.

"Ow."

"Shoulda let him die…" Gene muttered, the Doctor silently agreeing a little.

"So, what are we looking for?" Sam asked, whilst Jack remained stuck and no one actually moved to help him.

"Those doors there." As the crew wandered in, the Doctor turned to Jack. "You coming or what?"

"I would, but…"

"Shimmer…" the Time Lord muttered at the tree… the tree became a branch.

"Thanks," Jack said, clambering upright. "I would hug you but you seem kinda occupied."

Rose held up the hand she'd been holding the whole time, grinning. "Taken. Mine now."

The Doctor grinned back at her, before addressing the remainder of the crew that were still milling around outside. "Anyway, TARDIS is in here," he said, ushering everyone back inside, and prising Alex away from the oddly placed lamppost, where she seemed to be having a moment of childhood nostalgia.

"It's a shame Reepes had to stay at work," Sam sighed.

"I don't know what's more worrying, Tyler; that you're friends with a mouse and happy that is one, or that you want him to be here!" bellowed Gene.

"Well maybe it's better than being here with you!" Sam said loudly, and Gene turned an odd shade of purple.

"Now now, boys," Alex said, stepping in between them. "Remember what that graffiti said." They both looked at her blankly, whilst CJ skipped past them singing, 'I am banksy!'. Alex chose to ignore this.

"Either way," she continued, "No fighting. Sam, aren't you glad to see the Guv again?" Sam nodded, looking away. "And Gene, aren't you glad you didn't kill Sam?" Gene nodded guiltily. "Good," finished Alex. "Now let's shut the door of this wardrobe – it's freezing."

"But, but, but, we didn't do anything!" CJ whined, but Donna simply dragged the pink haired man back into the warmth.

"I missed this wardrobe," said Rose, grinning, before she spun in a circle, yelling, "Hello!" up into the rafters. The TARDIS wheezed in response, and Rose laughed.

"She must be happy to see you," said the Doctor, smiling at Rose and at the TARDIS.

"Of course it would," said Donna, and Jack nodded in agreement.

"Aha!" exclaimed the owl all of a sudden, still doing its crossword. "Pooh sticks!"

"Pooh… what?" said Merlin, blinking blankly.

"It's his crossword," Luna provided, twirling her Alice headband in her hands. "I'll play it with you sometime."

"Right…" Merlin said sceptically.

"So guys and dolls, where are we heading next?" Jack asked, leading the way back towards the console room.

"I dunno."

"We really ought to get Arthur at some point," Gwen pointed out.

"Yeah… where did he go?"

"I don't know. Ask him!" Merlin said, pointing to CJ who was now running off.

"Where's he going?"

"Haven't a clue, but we daren't let him run around the TARDIS on his own."

But they needn't have worried for they knew exactly where he'd gone for the splash they all heard.

"Library!" The Doctor shouted.

"There was a splash in your _library_?" Alex asked, and the Doctor went pale.

"My books!" he practically screeched before running, off dragging Rose along with him. The extra extra large TARDIS crew followed after them, down the winding and inconsistently decorated corridors, before arriving at the library.

CJ was sat in a pile of books, the Doctor holding him up by the scruff of his neck. The pink haired man was holding onto two books: one a spiral bound notebook with jelly beans on, and another from a Shakespeare anthology. "Pink haired demon!" the Doctor hissed, Rose trying to calm him down.

"Lemme down! I haven't done anything!"

"You were about to jump into the pool! _Holding those_! Holding _**Shakespeare**_!"

"Oh, no," said Jack, face palming. "Not the Shakespeare."

"Why?" asked Ianto. "What happens to him with Shakespeare?"

"Duck, said Jack intelligently, and even though half the TARDIS crew had no idea what to think of the original Captain Jack, they all ducked – and just in time, too, as CJ went flying through the air over them into a well placed pile of cushions.

"Now…" said the Doctor, holding up… one book?

"Yippee!" yelled CJ, leaping upright and pelting full speed back through the TARDIS. By the time they all caught up, he was wrenching the front doors open and was lining himself up to bowl the remaining book into the time vortex.

"Noooo!" the Doctor yelled, running to stop CJ but he was too late. The book went flying into the vortex, presumably never to be seen again and the TARDIS doors slammed shut.

"My book! My beautiful book!" the Time Lord mourned. "How could you?"

"I don't see why he's complaining. He's got plenty more," Gene muttered.

"That was a one off, special edition, hand written by four authors. I can never get another…"

"Oh…" CJ seemed very happy with himself though, doing a little dance around the console.

"I thought he'd be a bit more upset than that."

"It's not Shakespeare," Jack shrugged.

. . . .

_Meanwhile, in a dark and dreary castle…_

_. . . ._

A man in an orange t-shirt was sat in a corner, muttering to himself, only to have his meditation interrupted by a book hitting him on the back of his head. He got up with a start.

"What foul sorcery is this?" he exclaimed. "What ghosts torment me anew?" The man very gingerly stepped forward and picked up the colourful tome. A note fell out.

Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, stooped down to snatch it up, reading it fearfully.

"_Coming to get you sweetie, just sit tight_," he said, eyebrows raised. "_Love your cotton candy knight in shining armour_."

. . . .

"You need to calm down Doctor," Rose said, thoroughly shaken up by hanging onto the Doctor whilst he was throwing CJ around.

"Calm down? Calm down?"

"It could have been worse. It could have been Shakespeare."

Whilst this was going on, no one noticed the central columns rising and falling, until the TARDIS landed and everyone went flying.

"Erm… where are we?"

The door opened as they all stood up and looked out.

"Isn't this Hogwarts?" asked the endless fountain of knowledge named Ianto. "Again?"

"How can you tell that?" asked Gwen.

Ianto pointed to the four glass cases that held the House Points for each respective house, all in grains of sand. "And I know everything."

"Why are we here again, though?" the Doctor asked dubiously, before he felt a top on his shoulder; Luna.

"I asked the TARDIS to bring me home. I need to fetch my Nargle charm, since it seems I have forgotten it, and I have this feeling…" she trailed off, voice ominous.

"Aw, Luna!" said Gwen, giving her a hug, and patting her on the head.

"You're leaving, then?" said Merlin, finally piping up from the back.

"For five minutes," she prompted with a smile, before looking at the Doctor. "If you can come get me."

Meanwhile, CJ was stood at the TARDIS console, staring – before he suddenly jumped forward to press a button, shouting 'aha!' – and the doors shut on the departed Luna and the TARDIs crew all fell back once more as it went flying through space again.

"Hey! You feather-headed idiot!" Merlin yelled. "I was trying to said goodbye to her!"

CJ shrugged. "We'll get Alice later," the pink haired man reasoned, and the Doctor sighed, shaking his head. Rose frowned.

"What is he talking about, Doctor?" she asked him, and the Time Lord shrugged.

"Just make sure he stays away from the coffee in the kitchen," he said wearily, and Rose nodded.

"But right now…" CJ continued, "I need something shiny!"

The TARDIS gave out another groan as they came to a stop. The doors swung open automatically, and everyone walked out wearily.


	12. Chapter 12

**Dun dun dun dun dun dun... part 12?  
**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

* * *

Into what appeared to be a Disney movie.

"Why are we in 2D?" Jack asked, but Ianto frowned.

"Looks like a video game to me," he said. "All pixelated." At that, the Doctor waved the sonic screwdriver around.

"You see what you're most familiar with," he said, as CJ barrelled out of the police box and the into the castle in front of them.

"Keeeeeeeyblaaaaadeeees!" he yelled.

"Okay… why are we here again?"

"He," Merlin said, "wanted something shiny."

"We have plenty of that," said a new voice, and the group turned to find that a teapot was talking to them.

"The furniture," started Merlin, "is talking. _Talking_."

He looked at it as if in hope it wouldn't say anything again, but the teapot laughed. "Oh, yes," it said pleasantly. "You show us as much surprise as our brown haired visitor who is currently with our master."

"Mrs. Potts?" said Rose, raising an eyebrow, before saying sheepishly to the others, "I'm a fan of the film."

"Yes, my dear! Do you want to stay for tea?"

"It would be delightful!" said a candlestick, now hopping into view.

"Oh, no, but—" started Alex, but CJ butted in, "I want a suit of armour. Give me one or I shall summon to the Heartless to get you!"

"The Heartless?" the old teapot said, her porcelain features suddenly panicked. "Oh my, you're with the Heartless. Cogsworth! Cogsworth!" The teapot started to hop away.

"What did you do that for?" Ianto demanded. "The Heartless are the bad guys, and they always lose!"

CJ smirked. "You've not played Birth by Sleep yet," the crazy man said smugly.

"What are you talking about?" said Rose, backed up by Alex, Gwen, and secretly Gene. "This is just Beauty and the Beast! There are singing spoons in the next room."

"Why? Just why?" Jack asked.

"Because it's Disney, that's why."

"Huh?"

"Have you _never_ seen Beauty and the Beast?" Rose asked incredulously.

"No… was too busy fighting aliens."

"Ah…"

"What's the music?" Merlin asked, hearing a tune play in the background.

"I dunno."

"But you're the self proclaimed fountain of knowledge who knows everything."

"Erm… not always," Ianto muttered.

"I want my suit of armour!" CJ shouted over the top of everyone, of whom they continued to ignore him.

"Jack," said the Doctor shortly. "You haven't complained about the owl talking, have you? Same principle."

"Fair point," Jack conceded. "If the owl can talk—"

"And said talking owl can see that teapot coming back with a clock," supplied the owl, from Ianto's head. "With a brown haired boy carrying a large key."

"Maybe we should get out of here," said the Doctor, doubtfully.

"Not without my armour!" CJ screeched, stomping his foot in protest. He then saw the brunette down the hall.

"Sora!" he screeched again, launching into the young Keyblade wielder and giving him a massive hug.

"Do I know you?" the boy asked.

"Not yet," the crazy man said proudly. "I'm a visitor from the fifth game – that one with all the fairies, when all the back-up characters are played by either Jesse McCartney or Quinton Flynn and you can never tell who's talking." Sora blinked.

"What?" he said slowly, and CJ put a finger on his lips.

"Shush, hero-boy," he said. "Just give me a suit of shiny armour and I'll tell you something that helps you in your quest."

"They're not from around here," Gene complained.

"How do you know?"

"Because…"

"The film's not out in your time guv," Sam pointed out.

"Shut it, Tyler."

"Listen, we need to find him a suit of armour, and the sooner we do that, the sooner we're out of here."

"Right… why couldn't we just get him one from the TARDIS wardrobe?"

"Because the lost we had was nicked," the Doctor said, staring pointedly at Jack.

"There was a damsel in distress…" the American pouted.

"Pfft..."

"Who are you?" said Rose, changing the topic and looking towards Sora, saying what was on everyone's mind.

"Sora," he said in response, CJ staring him in the eyes, attempting to bribe a suit of armour out of him, still. "They said there was a Heartless problem."

"Oh, no. We're not heartless," said Alex. Ianto added, "We ended up here by accident. We'd get inour ship and go, but he—" he indicated CJ, "—wanted a suit of armour."

"There's some near the West Wing," mused the clock, Cogsworth. "But we'd have to consult the Master."

"Don't tell him that!" said Gwen, grabbing hold of CJ's collar to stop him from running.

"I wanna hug the Beast!" he said, as the Doctor grabbed his collar too, helping Wen keep a hold of him. Cogsworth eyed the man wearily.

"Maybe he should just take one without him seeing the Master," the clock decided.

"Yeah," said Sora, eyebrow raised. CJ let out a woop.

"Thanks, Sora!" he sang, oddly in tune with the background music. "Now, to tell you a secret." Sora leaned forward, ready to hear the pink man's wisdom.

"Roxas," he said, "is so, _so_ gay."

Sora blinked. "Who _is _Roxas?" he asked, but CJ just burst into hysterical laughter.

"Just take us to the armour, young Keyblade wielder," the Doctor said tiredly, and Sora nodded.

With the clock leading with the candelabra, the TARDIS entourage followed in line, with CJ still trying to pull away and ravage the nearest piece of decoration or furniture, until his attention was caputed by the long rows of armour.

"Wow," said Donna. "Do you… really need that many?"

Cogsworth shrugged. "They're a pain to clean… I suppose. But what the Master says, goes."

"I want this one and this one and this one…!" CJ was muttering in excitement.

"One," Alex chided. "_One_."

"He's not a child, Bolls."

"He acts like one," Alex retorted. "One."

"But I want all of…" CJ started, before he spotted the teapot hopping back into view, and—

_A hopping teacup._

"No!" Ianto yelled, knowing exactly what CJ was going to do. The Doctor and Ianto both stepped in front of the teacup to offer some protection, but the crazy man barrelled into them and snatched the cup up. "Hello, mister!" the tea cup chirruped.

The TARDIS crew could only watch in horror as CJ lifted up his arm to throw the cup, and poor Chip went flying through the air. However, the owl gallantly swooped into the air and caught the cup before it smashed, carefully bringing it back to the safety of those who would not destroy it, whilst the TARDIs crew started at the crazy man who… was now at the other end of the room messing with a suit of armour that wobbled precariously.

"Alright, who let him have coffee?"

The suit fell, right into the one next to it, and suddenly the suits of armour in the room toppled like dominoes.

Everyone flinched and awaited a roar… but it didn't come. They looked at one another as CJ started salvaging bits of each bit of armour, throwing the bits he didn't want down the corridor.

"But of this…" he went. "Bit of that." And whilst the crew watched him assemble the oddest suit of armour, the owl quickly handed Chip over to the Doctor who carefully held him whilst Rose whispered that they'd take him back to his mum soon.

"Thanks, miss," the teacup chirped, and Rose blushed as he kissed her on the cheek.


	13. Chapter 13

**Strictly has been waiting for this one. Twintailed knows. Yes she does.**

**Alas, we are coming to the end of our fair venture! Even though we never actually finished the story as it were. Best enjoy these final hours...  
**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

* * *

"I have no idea what the bloody hell is going on here Bolly," Gene piped in, but Alex shushed him.

"Let the children play."

Gene grumbled. "If they're kids then their parents have to determine the safety of it first."

Alex blinked at him, looking coy. "Guv, I didn't know you cared so much!"

Gene yelled back at her. "I didn't mean it like that!" he bellowed. "I am not father to this crazy lot with you!"

Sam, listening in, nudged him. "Oh, Guv. Like Alex, do you?"

Gene glared and Sam looked away, smirking.

"Done!" CJ announced, narrowly avoiding decapitating Sora's head with the sword he discarded. "Now all I need is a ros—"

"No! No you don't!" said Jack, grabbing hold of him the scruff of his armoured neck. "I'm not cleaning up the mess that'll make."

"You should leave before the Master finds this mess," said Cogsworth, picking up the hint.

"Alright then, back we go," the Doctor said, meaning that the extra large crew headed back to the TARDIS, shoving CJ in quickly.

"Thanks for the help," Alex called back.

Ianto looked around. "I really love this game," he said quietly.

"This is the one that made you cry when that character died isn't it?" Jack asked, and Ianto nodded miserably.

"Yeah," he said, and the American nodded.

"What was his name again?" he pondered aloud.

"A-X-E-L," a voice sounded out. "Got it memorized?"

Ianto let out a high pitched shriek and fell to the floor in a dead faint as the eighth member of the Organization stepped out from behind a column, smirking.

"Now, what was your sentimental friend saying about me dying?" he asked coldly, as two large spiked wheels formed in his hands. "'cause I'm not dying right now – I've gotta get Roxas back."

Ianto opened his eyes from where he was lying. "I wish you did!" he said sincerely. "But you're gonna die saving Sora."

Axel blinked, scowling. "Typical," he muttered. "Even without a heart I care too much."

Ianto nearly broke down in tears seeing half of his OTP so sad.

"Doctor!" he yelled into the blue box. "I need your help!" the Doctor came running out. "You have to save them – Axel and Roxas."

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Who's Roxas?"

"The gay-boy inside Sora!" CJ's voice echoed out of the TARDIS, and Ianto quickly explained the plot of Kingdom Hearts 2 to the Doctor (lol, "quickly").

"Are you sure this won't mess things up here," the Doctor asked, and Ianto shook his head firmly.

"Just do it!" he yelled.

"Okay then," said the Doctor. "This is Disney, so Disney rules."

He turned to Axel.

"When you wish upon a star, makes no difference where you are, anything your heart desires will come to you." He pointed to the heavens. "Get wishing."

Axel rolled his eyes.

"No heart, genius," he said sarcastically, pointing to his chest, and the Doctor blinked.

"Oh," he pondered this. "In that case, video game so video game rules – let's hack!"

Without a second's explanation, he proceeded to carry out several overly complicated motions with the sonic screwdriver; everyone watched with baited breath. But when he finished, nothing seemed different. But then someone tapped the Organization member on the shoulder.

"Axel?" came a tentative voice.

For a moment, the redhead didn't say anything, still staring straight ahead in front of him, where Sora had been, and still was, looking more bewildered than ever, and Axel almost felt the confusion that was on Sora's face.

But it was more than that. More of a crushing, tearing, and sticking himself back together with glue feeling. There was only one person who broke that mask of his. Only one voice.

And that voice he would never hear again.

But he could. He could. And he wanted it to be true so badly that it hurt.

He slowly forced himself to turn around – wishing up that pointless star as he did.

And, there he was. He still had to ask. "… Roxas?"

Roxas grinned. "Who else?"

"Well, a minute ago you were Sora, you know," Axel pointed out.

"And now I'm not. And I don't have to be, now."

(Meanwhile, Ianto was a puddle of goo on the floor.)

"Yeah," said Axel.

"That's all you have to say?" Roxas frowned, raising an eyebrow.

"Pft," Axel humphed. "What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing," Roxas shrugged, before slowly enveloping him in a hug. "This is fine…" he looked slowly to Sora. "We should explain it though, to Sora," he added.

"Nah, he never got it," Axel agreed, happy with Roxas attached to him, and looking to the Doctor. "Thanks, I guess."

The Doctor saluted and looked to the puddle known as Ianto. "Sorted?"

Ianto nodded, and the Doctor and Jack heaved him back into the TARDIS, shutting the door to Axel, Roxas, and the long explanation they had for Sora.

Inside the TARDIS, the crew sat down, watching the Doctor run around chasing after CJ, trying to reverse what he was doing. The crazy man was flicking random levers and buttons and the time rotor was rising and falling.

"Where are we going?" Merlin asked.

"Somewhere."

"Can't you be a bit more specific?"

"No."

"Oh…" Merlin returned to being a bit more quieter.

"Hang on, where did the two outlaws go?" Donna asked suddenly.

"They wandered off in the TARDIS somewhere. They'll turn up though, I'm sure," Jack shrugged as the blue box landed.

"Where are we now?"

"Erm…"

"We appeareth to be in a castle, and the question is, to be or not to be," the Doctor said cryptically.

"Why is he quoting Hamlet?"

"Ah, sweetie, your cotton candy knight is here to save you!" CJ shouted, running straight for the door.

"What?" Ianto blinked.

"Oh, no, here we go again…"


	14. Chapter 14

**This is the last chapter. No, it's not the end. But I shall get onto how it would have ended if we had had another six months or so in college, but alas, university, we had to go to.  
**

**See you at the end. ;)  
**

**Same disclaimer as previously: we own none of these fandoms, none of these worlds, and none but four of these characters, being Ked (or CJ as he is come to be known), the Owl and the Trees. If we did we'd be out there doing this stuff rather than writing it in our spare time...**

* * *

The castle was dark, very dark, and creepy.

"I think I preferred the one with the singing teaspoons," Gene muttered, and Alex patted him on the arm sympathetically.

CJ was clanking around in his armour; his normal hysterical grin momentarily gone, he looked almost serious. "Doctor," he said and the Time Lord and Rose walked over to him, the Doctor inexplicably nervous at CJ suddenly addressing him so normally.

"Yo, CJ?" he asked, and CJ turned to look at him.

"It is imperative that the knight save the princess? That's right isn't it?"

The Doctor nodded slowly. "Generally," he agreed.

"Then I will save my princess!" CJ yelled. "He's waiting for me!" Without another word, CJ's demeanour was back to normal, and he ran off down a corridor.

"Did he say he?" Jack said slowly.

"With that man, nobody knows," said Gwen, and Jack reluctantly nodded at that, unable to argue.

"Okay, so where are we?" said Merlin after they had walked down three identical corridors.

"My nose says we are half way there!" CJ announced.

"That's not very helpful," Merlin mumbled. The Doctor managed to rein CJ in for half a second to look around and frown.

"I have no idea, actually. I can't quite tell with this fog that's slowly rolling in-"

"Er, Doctor," Alex raised a hand.

"Just butt in with what you have to say, woman," Gene reprimanded.

"Thanks for that, Guv," Alex said idly. "The point is, Doctor, in the play, the fog means-"

"Oh, no. No, no, no," said the Doctor.

Suddenly the room went black and grew terribly cold. The group inexplicably gathered together as a figure appeared, and then a halo of light seemed to form behind it.

"No…" the Doctor muttered.

"G-G-G… Ghost!" Gene pointed out, and it took a minute for them to even register what he'd said before they turned and ran, a few of them (mainly Gene) screaming for good measure. Running down the corridors and getting rather lost in the process, they didn't realise that the ghost wasn't following them. Trying random doors as they ran, Merlin found one and used his magic to open it before they all piled in.

"Phew!"

"Who art thou… that disturbeth my rest? Unless you hath the sequel to this brilliant tome, I suggest you leave," a young man said, looking up from a jelly bean covered notebook.

"Aghh!" said the Doctor, running forward at the book. "Aghh!" yelled the man of similar appearance in utter fright.

"Give me the book!" yelled the Doctor.

"No, it's mine," yelled the other, trying to dodge the Doctor by weaving back and forth about the room. Finally he cowered in a corner.

The Doctor advanced seemingly menacingly and carefully.

"EN GARDE!" yelled CJ loudly, clad in his newly acquired armour. He leapt between the man and the Doctor, sword raised, glinting in the dim light. "Back off," said CJ with sudden ferocity and seriousness. He pointed the sharp sword right at the Doctor's throat.

"Who are you people?" the man who was identical to the Doctor demanded, but he looked more scared than angry, and continued to cower behind CK, his arms tight around the notebook that CJ had thrown into the vortex.

"What are you doing CJ?" the Doctor asked darkly, trying to move Rose behind him, but the pink haired man didn't reply. Everyone watched him carefully, suddenly wondering why they hell they had let him have a sword to match the armour.

"CJ," came a confused voice behind him, and CJ turned to smile at the Doctor doppelganger.

"Yes, Hamlet?" he asked brightly.

"You're real…" Hamlet whispered disbelievingly, and CJ's grin widened.

"Possibly," he said: everyone watched this silently.

"Doctor," said Rose quietly, her eyes on the metal point against the Time Lord's throat. "That's Hamlet!"

"Apparently," he conceded.

"He looks and sounds just like _you_," she hissed, and the Doctor shrugged, wincing as the sword nicked him, and a trickle of blood dripped slowly down the sword's edge.

"Ow," he grimaced, backing off slightly from the sword, about to place a hand to the wound, but found that Rose's was already there instead.

"Don't move," she said. "Don't. Or it'll get worse."

The Doctor nodded, oddly silent. Jack then chose the moment to round on CJ.

"What are you doing? We've been dealing with your madness for long enough, bur harming the Doctor is the last straw."

"Protecting my love," CJ explained.

"Right…"

"You know, I never did do Shakespeare," Donna muttered. The Doctor just smiled as handed over the sonic screwdriver.

"Setting 384."

Donna sonicked Hamlet, and the man just looked at them.

"Who is you guys? You strangers, innit mate?"

"No… give it here," Ianto took the sonic and tried again.

"Who is one? And how do you do? You fine things must have come very far," Hamlet said in a posh accent.

"No." They tried again.

'Bonjour' and again 'Ciao' and again 'Kerflibbles' and then just settled for Shakespearean English.

"Some things simply just shouldn't be messed with, especially one of Shakespeare's finest plays," the Doctor muttered.

"Should too," CJ countered.

"What do you mean play?" Hamlet asked. "Such strange things you phantoms say, and such strange faces, all as foretold by this colourful oracle." He held up the jelly bean book. "And yet you all appear to be flesh and blood," he reached out hesitantly and touched his fingertips against the back of CJ's armour, the pink haired man flinched, and dropped the sword, which Jack quickly snatched up and held out in front of him. CJ slumped against the wall next to Hamlet in defeat.

"What are you trying to do here CJ?" Alex asked kindly, trying to be the voice of reason.

"I am rescuing my princess," CJ said frankly. "So we can get married and live happily ever after."

Hamlet blinked at this.

"I've gone mad," he said simply, and CJ leaned into him, smiling contently.

"Me too," he said, and Hamlet gave a half smile back, the ghost of a blush on his cheeks.

"CJ," said the Doctor, fishing about in his coat whilst Rose fussed at his neck. "You won't mess around in someone else's story." He pulled out the copy of Hamlet that he'd confiscated earlier, and handed it over to him. "This is one of the most important plays written, by one of the most important minds of all time. You can't just mess with it to suit your fantasy."

Hamlet picked up the volume and flicked through it, his face slowly going ashen.

CJ glared at the Doctor. "I _can _change it," he growled, but then stopped when Hamlet slammed the book shut, his brown eyes focused clearly on the identical pair of the Doctor's.

"Justice is done?" he asked quietly, and the Doctor nodded.

"Yes it is," he said sombrely, and Hamlet nodded.

"So be it," he said. "It seems I have but one last scene to play."

"Never!" CJ yelled, jumping inbetween them and putting his hands on Hamlet's shoulders. "I came here to save you, that's the whole point! I sent the book, I sent the note – I _promised_ to save you, cupcake!"

Hamlet smiled. "Thank you," he said, "but I have my part to play."

CJ growled. "You don't have to do anything," he said and quickly spun round, _hitting_ the Doctor with a gauntlet covered fist, sending him flying, and quickly scooping up the sonic from where it fell. "Shimmer!" he shouted, and with a flutter, suddenly looked like the prince, who recoiled from his mirror image.

"Don't worry," CJ said, "I learnt all my lines." He then leant forward, kissed the real Hamlet on the head, and ran off.

It all happened so quickly no one had a chance to react.

"Wait," said Alex, as the silence stretched. "Is he doing what I think he's doing?"

"Yes. I think he is," Gwen conceded, before her eyes widened. "He'll die in there!"

For a second no one moved, then Jack grinned. "Well that'll save us a problem. Hallelujah!"

"Jack…"

"Okay okay, I'm just kidding… sheesh, Gwen."

Meanwhile Hamlet was a bubbling wreck in the corner. "He's going to die for me! Oh sweet lord…" a tear dramatically fell down his cheek.

The owl, who had been silent to this point, said, "The chap will poof out of existence, 'tis true."

"Wait," Merlin said. "_Poof_!"

"Poof what?" said the Doctor.

"Poof! Like Arthur, that boy, Cedric, and his look-alike! They all poofed!"

"And? What are you getting at?"

"Poof!" Ianto said, realising what he was getting at.

"What?"

"They're not dead! They _poofed_."

"Poofed?"

"Teleported. They're not dead," Merlin carried on, and he and Ianto high fived.

"Then where did they go?" Gene asked.

"Isengard!" the Doctor realised. "To the TARDIS! We have a blonde and a crazy man to rescue!"

Hamlet didn't move, so it was left to Gwen, Alex and Donna to persuade him to come with them. "He's sacrificing himself to save me. I barely know him."

"He lives. We are going to rescue him, but we need your help."

"What use am I? A madman?"

"Oh, shush your moping. I mean, it's good riddance but no one else seems to think that, so come here," Jack said, pushing the girls aside and picking up Hamlet, throwing him across his shoulder. "To the TARDIS!"

"Put me down!" Hamlet ordered. "Do you not know whom thou am?"

"The prince of Denmark," half the crew said simultaneously.

"Exactly!" said Hamlet. "Wait, what? You all know and you're not of this world? I truly am going mad!"

"He's so dramatic," said the Doctor, face-palming.

"He has your face," said Rose.

"Don't remind me."

"I thought you liked Shakespeare," said Sam thoughtfully.

"I do. Just not when they're being like this," he said, indicating Hamlet who was still being carried by Jack, as they continued running back to the TARDIS.

As Alex and Gene and Ianto rounded the corner, there was suddenly a scream (from Ianto). "It's back! The ghost!"

"Hustle, woman!" yelled Gene, trying as quick as possible to get behind Alex, and hopefully, everyone else.

Ianto, who hadn't been paying as much attention as usual up to this point – still in his AkuRoku heaven trance – suddenly snapped to.

"Captain Jean Luc Picard!" he said breathlessly, his Kingdom Hearts fanboyness very quickly transitioning into Trekkie.

The ghost paused in its ominous music and BBC standard smoke machine effects.

"What manner of name to you put to my father, peasant?" demanded Hamlet, his eyes fixed firmly on the ghost.

"Would you prefer Professor X?" Ianto asked, looking confused...

* * *

**So in the end, Ianto had the last line. I guess he really does know everything. How the story ends? Maybe not. But I, twintailed, do!**

**We had plans! After this, we were planning to take the group to Isengard, to finally save our beloved Arthur (only because Merlin has waited about 18,000 words for this moment, poor kid). During the battle with the warg riders, Arthur was going to finally make up with Aragorn and go diving over the cliff after him, only to be saved by the TARDIS crew, and Jenny was going to just casually saunter in afterwards, River Song style (even though we planned this before she actually did that. Clearly, we're psychic). Oh, we'd also rescue CJ. Cue some Hamlet/CJ fluff.**

**After that, the group was going to make its way to Wonderland where the Owl, who was - wait for it - actually female(!?) was going to become acquainted with the Cheshire Cat, whom would then join the fabulous group and promptly get engaged to our fine feathered friend. The TARDIS crew was then going to make its way to a certain cafeteria in a certain collage and meet the four fabulous authors, and the main question of the day - who CJ actually was - would be alluded to, but not answered, sad to say.**

**We would then join them for a final trip to Disneyland, where Luna would be picked up (with Neville), along with various other characters and a mass wedding would take place with Mickey Mouse taking charge of the reseedings. No, we never said it was going to be a good ending. Just full of love. :'D**

**If you're interested, CJ and Hamlet moved into Kedlington Manor and the Doctor tries to avoid visiting them as much as possible, and Dorothy is still broken. As for the trees? They're yet to be saved. Just wait until Hamlet finds out about that, CJ. There'll be another adventure to do...**

**But that's spoiling things.**

**Anyway. This is twintailed, signing off for the last time. It's been a fun journey. So long and thanks for all the fish.  
**


End file.
